Sleep in Heavenly Peace

Christmas break is upon me and I'm soaking in every moment of non-school that I can. For the second time in my college career I've missed the next letter grade by one point and for the second time in my college career, my professor was quite rudely unwilling to allow me to the next grade. It broke my heart, but then I got over it because I got an A in Human Body and that's what I wanted, I kind of wanted that more than a 4.0. So I'm getting over that 4.0 for the 7th semester of my life. Yes, I've never gotten a 4.0 in college. Hopefully grad schools don't care too much about that.

My time at Pawnee is coming to an end. I plan on handing in my two weeks notice in only about a week and a half. I hate wishing away my time there, because that means I'm wishing away my time for winter break as well. I'm ready to leave, I'm ready to move on. I believe that place has hardened my heart in a way that I wasn't aware of until this semester. It enlightened me at first, seeing God's uniqueness in all people, but as my time wore on there I feel like I've become much more cold, much more hardened by the way sin infiltrates lives than I could have ever imagined. I can't wait to see where God will put me next.

I've started learning vocab for the GRE. I'm amazed at how many words there are and that I only know like one one hundreth of english words... if that.

That's about all the news I have. I know I didn't quite get 365 thoughts, I missed it by a lot. But I think I might continue writing in this even after the year 2011 ends.

bye now

Thankfullness

Ah! So my favorite holiday is upon on us! Thanksgiving!!! I love thanksgiving, I think we should celebrate it once a month. I think we should remind ourselves of how blessed we are much much much more than once a year. I think the people that may (or may not) read this probably do think about the things they should be grateful for much more than once a year.
I think thanksgiving is so fun for several reasons:
1. I make almost all of the huge dinner.
2. I pick out recipes that I've never made before (thanks Food Network!)
3. I love my family, so a day with no other obligations except hanging out with each other is so wonderful in my mind
4. There's usually a four day weekend tied to it!
5. Not the whole stealing land from Indians thing. I was so shocked when I learned about that in High School, yes they waited until high school to tell us that here.
6. EAT
7. Reflecting on things that I'm blessed with

So that's a nice segue into my annual list of things that I'm so very very grateful for, things that I couldn't imagine life with out and the things that don't seem all that important until the day that they're gone. So here goes nothin'! (these are in so specific order)

1. Sweet and Sassy Moms and goofy/super serious Dads (yes, that's both my parents in a nutshell)
2. Freedom in my country and from sin
3. Warm breezy summer days and crisp winter mornings
4. Kansas Sunsets that always take my breath away
5. Sister/Dog- Violet
6. Communication
7. Jesus
9. My bed (where I probably spend way too much time)
10. Home
11. Brothers
12. Electricity (especially for my space heater)
13. The mysteries of this world
14. My 5 senses
15. Professors who enjoy teaching over research
16. Long sleeve t-shirts
17. Friends, who are so much better to me than I am to them
18. New Family Members (and DNA tests too.)
19. Love
20. Socks
21. The Steve Miller Band (especially when I don't feel like dancing to PitBull)
22. Chocolate milk
23. Cameras
24. Lady Bugs
25. Wild Flowers near Gothic, CO

I think this was the first post in a while, where I didn't write in a moment of crisis. I guess things are calming down.

OH! I gave up road rage. I mean I wasn't like a crazy, cussin', flippin-offin' kind of road rager, but I was definitely causing myself a lot of anger and tension in my driving. Since then, I've still struggled with my "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? WHY AREN'T YOU DRIVING THE SPEED LIMIT? WHERE IS YOUR SIGNAL? WHY DID YOU PULL OUT IN FRONT OF ME THEN PROCEED TO DRIVE TEN UNDER?" moments, but I've definitely gotten a lot better. Driving is much more relaxed now. I thank Jesus for making me see the unnecessary anger in my life. What a gift.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Break

YES! So excited to have a break. My school is calling this student holiday, but really, it's Thanksgiving break. Because if Thanksgiving wasn't on this week, I think our "Student Holiday" would have been in the middle of the semester, not the end of the semester.

So, last night I discussed quitting my job with my parents. and they agreed! So, I'll be putting in my two weeks notice January 1 (or 2). Holla. (I'm not going to grumble and complain about what happened on Friday because in 8 weeks it won't matter)

The other night at work one of my clients told me that her ex-husband shot Senator Kathleen Giffords and it was a government cover-up and that the guy they arrested for it, wasn't really the guy that shot her. Then she looked at me and said "You don't believe me, do you?" and in my head I'm thinking "Uh.. Heck no." and what I said was "Hmm, I don't know, I'll have to look that up" and she said "You can do all the looking you want, but you're not going to find anything."
... Community Mental Health.

But I don't know, I honestly don't believe Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK. Oh, to be a conspiracy theorist.

I was just getting ready to do my laundry when my roommates (MOM) started theirs. Good thing it's supposed to be 70 today, I can wear clean capris and not dirty jeans.

I promised that I was going to finish my things that I don't understand list, but I've come to realize there's a lot of things I don't understand... so I won't bore anyone with that.

I thought that I was using too many "..." in this blog post, but I've only used it twice, so I'm good, I think.

Mysteries

I guess there are somethings I'll never understand, which is what I got from a lyric that we sang to at Ichthus last night. It's also a verse that I've read so many times before from Proverbs: Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your OWN understanding.

So I started thinking of things that I didn't understand, not troubling myself over it, but just thinking about it.
1. Why everyone's bodies seem to function extremely effeciently even though we're all full of anomalies.
2. Why people don't flush the toilet after using a public restroom
3. Why I try to understand everything.
4. Why my parents are relativly normal after coming from childhoods that sucked
5. Why I love my dog so much
6. Why I feel sorry for a car after making it drive long distances (it's a MACHINE, not a human, Brooke!)
7. Motivation
8. Why the prefrontal cortex doesn't stop developing until around the age of 25

I have more, I promise I will elaborate further...later. Now I have to go to one class, lunch, then work for 3.5 hours then it's a week off for me. I can't wait to relax this weekend! (yes, I'm learning to relax...that I can't I understand either)

Bye :)

Post 2 for the day

Ok. So I'm dramatic or emotional or a girl, whatever you call it.
Yes, I'm a little freaked out about how God is moving in my life, but I'm realizing within the past few hours that He knows me better than I know me. He knows what my heart desires without me telling Him. He loves me more than I can understand, so why would He not give me what I need?
I think once December hits I'm going to need a month off of school. So I think I will try to take that class once January comes, work it out with the new semester, whatever.


My problems are: I'm always trying to rush rush rush to get to this end goal. I always think I know what's best for me. I don't listen to other's advice ever, I'm always so skeptical. I don't enjoy taking breaks because I see a long to-do list that needs to be conquered. I don't know how to relax. I have control issues (if that wasn't obvious before!!)

There... I guess I'm psychotic. No, not really. Just anxious, scared, nervous as to where God is taking me. I think He might be getting a kick out of my reactions to His work.

Hmmmmph.

Well I'm currently listening to my Steve Miller Band Pandora radio station to try and calm/relax myself.
I'm at a loss.

So update from last post. I had an interview for that job. After thinking about it, I decided it was not something I could commit to, so I called them and told them I was no longer interested.
No problem, because I have that CNA class to take during winter break, right??? NO!
Yesterday I got an e-mail saying they cancelled it. I can take the class in November (UM no, human body is currently overwhelming my brain and time to take an additional class) or I could take it in January, but they don't have the dates of the class set up. January is a potential, but I was kind of just thrown a huge curve ball. Because once again, my plan A and plan B both failed and I don't have a plan C! YIKES.
So I called around today for CNA classes near to me during December, but no luck. So I think during Thanksgiving break I might apply to volunteer at meadowlark, because I'm still desperately trying to get patient contact hours. All this junk is just so I can go to PA school.

I'm trying to figure out why God keeps saying no or not right now to this CNA class. I don't get it. and I hate to say it, but I'm starting to get angry and frustrated. Maybe I'm not supposed to make Plan A and Plan B (and now Plan C). But I have to. Especially trying to get into extremely competitive schools. Am I not supposed to go to PA school? That's my biggest fear, because I really want to, but now I'm second guessing as to what my "calling" is. And... There's really no plan B after I graduate, which for me is even scarier.

I turned 22 on Tuesday. I feel like an old geezer.

On a brighter note: Bobby came home yesterday! He'll be visiting for 2 weeks, and we're celebrating my b-day with the whole family tomorrow and I'm very excited!
On another brighter note: My optometrists office was able to exchange my contacts without charge so now I can see for the next 6 months.

So back to studying. Pray for me. For real, I seriously need it. I'm super insecure, unsure, shocked right now. The future is so scary, and it's especially scary when for the past 4 years you've had one goal in mind and it's kind of slowly breaking down.

Library Pt. 4

I guess I get to Friday and I have all these things on my heart that I just ahve to write about, every week.

So. Wednesday I have a job interview. I'm very excited, nervous, all the things you are when you have an interview for a job that you really want/desperately need.

I'm finding more and more that I should in no way be scared of the future, because my future is so secure because I have the heavenly Father looking after me, guiding me to what I'm supposed to be doing. He is amazing.

I met with my advisor, and he kept telling me that I could graduate in May, no problemo. But, I really don't want to. I really want to be a K-State student for one more semester. I really feel like I shouldn't take an entire year of school off. I really feel like I should retake classes that didn't do spectacular in. Most importantly, I feel like God wants me to take my time. I think I rushed through everything since high school until now. I took all the hard classes, I did all the right things, I worked incredibly hard, and next year/next semester is my time to slow down. Time to reflect, love on my family more, get some patient contact hours and continue on. Life is incredible. God is incredible. He knows exactly what I need. I'm so thankful for the Holy Spirit.

So, now I'm going to frantically study for the next 70 hours. A's baby. That's the way to get A's (and to have no social life, but I want A's baby).

See ya'll. Love ya'll.

Weird

Life is so strange. God is so strange.

Yesterday almost immediately after I wrote my last blog about needing a job, a job that gets me some patient contact, I looked up CNA classes. I found one for over winter break and paid an insane amount of money to enroll in it. So I'm all enrolled for a CNA class now. I get to work and our HR sends out an e-mail saying that the exact job in Pawnee that I have been waiting for has opened. Why did these happen on the same day, God? Are you trying to tell me something?
So this morning I applied for that job, spiffed up my resume and sent in an employee transfer request. I'm very nervous, very insecure about it. I had already talked to my boss about not being a receptionist forever, so she knew that this was coming.

I'm nervous for a couple reasons.
1) what if I don't get it, will the people that I work with find out?
2) What if I do get it and they want me to start soon, and I'm in Human body, and that's a lot of work in itself.
3) Can I really work with mental health clients one-on-one, am I cut out for that?


So we'll see what happens. I know for sure that God knows my best interests and skills and He is going to use me where ever He see fit. And that might just being working with people who have moderate to severe mental disorders, to me that's scary, but He would never ever put me anywhere where I couldn't do something. So I'm a little on edge right now. I'm going to hit the books to try and get it off my mind. I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable with this, but I am.

Library pt. 3

I guess this is the way I get myself out of study...by writing blog posts that I have been meaning to write for the longest time.
So I have 3 great library stories and another thought.

1. Today I waved at someone walking towards me, thinking that it was a friend of mine. As they got closer I was thinking "crap...I totally don't know this guy." So then I apologized for waving at someone I didn't know and then I felt stupid.

2. Today I was trying to study on the main floor of the library, which is pretty loud usually.. but I kind of love the library hum-drum that goes on on that floor. But, the people across from me were watching a TV show or a you tube video or something without headphones on. So I gave them the look of "hey, you're in the library, why aren't you wearing headphones, you fools." kind of look. And almost immediately they put their headphones on. I felt so powerful!!!

3. I found a computer to write this blog post, which is kind of a task because like 75% of the computers in the K-State library are under maintenance, which I think is code for this is broken and we don't plan on fixing it, so we'll just spend your money to buy new ones. So I found one and the monitor is turned so that you see what the person next to you is doing. The guy I say down next to got up like 2 minutes later and sat down at another computer behind me. Apparently he did not want me to see what he was doing.... or his computer wasn't working and it truly does need some maintenance

My other thought. I'm trying to figure out in my mind what the difference of being like a Pharisee or Scribe in the bible and being a true Christian is. Like sometimes I see myself as over-righteous. and sometimes I see myself as super broken and sometimes I see myself as just plain ole righteous, and to think of myself that way at all, is that like a Pharisee or Scribe? I just don't get it. I think I'm supposed to feel confident in my faith, but not over confident. I know I don't know everything and I always marvel at the complexity, yet simplicity, of His design. I also know that there are several things in my life, attitude, what-have-you, that I totally need help with. Which, is where Jesus comes in. I know Jesus redeems me from my brokenness, and protects me from the hurt of this world. I don't want to be like the over-righteous, super rules followers, no relationship scribes and pharisees.

Sweet, I just learned how to use spell check on this thing.

So, I guess if you're reading this... or if anyone is reading this just pray for me to find a good balance. and also... to find a new job.

Thanks friends,

The Library pt. 2

So I'm back here again, the library. To be honest the last blog post wasn't very long because I seriously had to use the bathroom, yes I just said that.
School is going well, I think I've finally learned how to buckle down and truly study. Also, I'm taking classes that I can actually do well in. However, if I don't get working on my abnormal psych research paper soon I'm going to be in some serious trouble. I just got done taking an abnormal psych test and how is it that, being at the 505 level, was it easier than my gen psych tests (at the 110 level)? I would say because gen psych was taught by an eager grad. student, and not by a tenured professor.

Yesterday I finished reading Matthew. Now, I'm onto Mark. In my new ESV study bible I've decided not to write or underline anything in the Bible, I'll leave that to my other one. I'm doing this because in my other bible anytime anything is underlined, my eye drifts right to that verse or passage, ignoring all the others. I think it would be cool to open up the bible and have a different part speak to me in a different way each time.

I've been trying to get onto KSOL for the past 30 minutes. I think it's broken.

Also, I have some friends who are trying to get me to get a twitter account so all this past week I've been thinking of things that I would tweet. This morning I thought of this "Is there a yacht club at KSU? #fratty" seriously... A lot of guys on campus look like they're about to hop on a boat and soak in the sun...but we're in the middle of the country, there is a lake near-by, but I don't think that counts.

I'm listening to my favorite kind of music right now. I haven't been able to listen to music much lately just because I've been studying so much and I can't study and listen to music at the same time. Nat King Cole is serenading me right now, before it was Ella Fitzgerald. I feel so classy.

I know this post is all over the place, like most of my posts. Which is probably because I have ADD tendencies, but I won't ever get medicated for it...

My last random thought: Bluestem Bistro. I went there last night, it's quite the happenin' place in Manhattan. After some analysis I've decided their mark up is huge. I bought an 8 oz. glass of chocolate milk for $1.60. I thought about it and realized I can go to Dillons and get a half a gallon for $1.50. I could make like 8 chocolate milks with that half gallon. I guess I pay an extra $1.20 for atmosphere? That doesn't seem right.

bye now.

Look! It's New Zealand!

Library

I'm at Hale Library right now. It bugs me to death when people use the computers to do socially type things and not school-y type things.... and I'm doing that.

I applied for my passport today :)

Oh My.

So first thing is first, 12 credit hours was probably the best decision ever.

I have so many thoughts in my mind right now that it's almost really hard to write them all out. So I guess I'll just kind of write it like a list.

1. Prince of Peace. One of my great friends, Kristin, brought this name to me. It is such a common name that we call our Lord, however, I don't think I have ever, and I mean ever, applied it to my life. Yesterday we were sitting in one of our Fav Manhattan spots and I shared with her how relaxed I was after the leaders retreat and how I now feel in no rush to push through the semester. My heart and mind are not in a chaotic panic, but right now I'm in so much peace.

2. The New Testament. I'm so excited to start reading the New Testament on Thursday. Mostly because reading through the last couple books of the Old Testament has made me so thankful that Jesus left Heaven to come for me and every one else. The love and compassion that must took astounds me. I have never experienced Heaven (of course), but I hope one day to walk through the gates and be in awe. It kills me to think of ever leaving, and Jesus did that for us.

3. Giving up. So I've been giving up certain things since school started. First I removed all of the games off of my cell phone. Next, I decided to stop playing Words with Friends. Right now, I really want to get rid of my smart phone and just have a phone that is just a phone and nothing extra. I'm also trying to figure out how to limit my FB use. I wouldn't say I use it too much, but I guess I could say how much I use it is probably too much. I want to only have an hour or two block in my day in which I allow myself to look at FB, if I'm out doing things in that hour, then I'm not allowed to use it until the next day. I guess I just want a little simplicity in my life. A little less connection to every stinking person I've ever known. I guess I want to develop relationships with people who I don't have to contact on FB, but through living true life together. At the Ichthus Leader's Retreat we discussed how churches should be full of what is necessary and ridded of whatever is unnecessary.

4. Prayer List. I just now decided that the best way to make sure I'm having a full prayer life is to make a list and actually stick to it. I'm going to write that list here. It seems private to me, so I'm a little scared to do it, but I feel like it's necessary.
- All the Beccas I know. I know quite a few of them and quite a few of them are constantly on my heart and my mind
-Ichthus growing and doing God's will for it
- Rev7:9 reaching international and multi-cultural students in God's Love
-My future- PA School/ New Zealand/ Timeline for jobs/ GRE
-Brian- to value the truth and see his self-worth
-Dad- Emotional and mental healing, opening up to those around him, getting rid of his facade, seeing his self worth and accepting him self
-Mom- physical healing of her knee
- School- achieving good grades with good focus and perseverance
- Time- being intentional and useful with my time
-The girls I work with
-Me- God would reveal my sin to me so that I could live a more purified life.

This photo that I found on flikr is my desktop background and it just reminds me how small I am and how grand He is.

relaxation

Hi Friends.

This last week was great. I took my first Human Body test on Friday. I did okay, but there's still room to improve. Friday and Saturday was the Ichthus Leaders retreat, I loved it. It was so great to get out town with some of the coolest people I know and really talk and dwell on the future and vision of Ichthus as a church and where God is really leading us. I'm also excited that I will be in Manhattan next year so that I can still be apart of Ichthus' story.

One thing that has been totally reaffirmed to me is that this semester my focus is Micah 6:8. So my goal every day is to Walk Humbly, Love Kindness, and Do Justice. I told my former roommate Kristin that everyday I'm reminded that I don't do any of those things completely.

Something that was especially relieving to me is that this weekend that I did not focus at all on the school work that was waiting for me when I got home. That was great, my focus was away from that and I have such a hard time with that, that I was so excited when I was leaving the ranch and thought "I haven't even thought about homework for the last 24 hours, that's awesome!"


Time to go to church!

Fall semester

So school is back on and I'm once again trying to find a routine that works. I already feel overwhelmed with the amount of time that I devote to different sort of things.
We began Human Body lectures today, I feel like it will get much more interesting as the semester moves along. Also, I started my abnormal psych class today. My teacher says "I'm not a powerpoint guy." My question is, how can you teach at the collegiate level and not be a powerpoint guy!?! I guess I'll survive.
Needless to say, I've already began studying and I hope I don't loose any momentum.

Today I decided that since Violet is a Mini-Schnauzer, that she must have german heritage, so I've been talking to her in german all day. Although, I only know like 3 phrases, so whenever she leaves a room I say Auf wiedersehen!! Yes, I had to look up how to spell that.

I was going to add a picture of ksu campus, but it's not working. I think I'm going to read a bit and then get to bed, because 6:30am comes so very early!

Big Booty

Today I realized that all my running up hill has made definitely made me stronger...and made me get a bigger booty. I'm like bustin' out of my jeans. I guess I need more flat runs. Or perhaps, stop eating chocolate cake. The latter is probably the more reasonable choice.

Today I was reading a book that I've been reading for over a year: Mere Christianity. Every sentence is so well thought out and so profound that I think C.S. Lewis is probably one of the most quotable men that walked the planet (next to Jesus, of course). So I pulled this quote:

"My argument against God was that the universe seemed to cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What whas I comparing this universe with when I call it unjust? ...a man feels wet when he falls into water, because man is not a water animal: a fish would not feel wet. Of course I could have given up my idea of justice by saying it was nothing but a private ideaof my own. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too- for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my fancies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist- in other words, that the whole reality was senseless- I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality-namely my idea of justice- was full of sense. Consquently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe, therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be a word without meaning."

C.S. Lewis




I'm so so so excited for school to start. I can't wait to learn!

Daniel

Today I began reading Daniel in my new study Bible. It's awesome. I've never been so happy reading a book than that big huge ESV study Bible. Best purchase ever. And how come I don't remember many Sunday School stories?

One of my facebook friends posted this as her profile pic. It's exactly what I feel.

Vlog dos.

I should find more to do with my Saturdays

Vlog

Video Blog. I don't really say anything extraordinary here, but Violet is funny.

and the audio doesn't match up to the video correctly, so I look extra funny.

Ez.

I'm now reading Ezekiel in my read the bible in the year. I'm discovering how challenging it is. Reading extremely old text about the people of Israel disobeying God continually and women "whoring" around is not quite what I had imagined when I started this thing. I guess it's all apart of the bible and it totally can still relate today with purity and honor to God. There was one passage which I really liked.

"If a man is righteous and does what is just and right-- if he does not eat upon the mountains or lift his eyes to the idols of house of Israel, does not defile his neighbor's wife or approach a woman in her time of menstrual impurity, does not oppress anyone, but restores to the debtor his pledge, commits no robbery, gives his bread to the hungry and covers the naked with a garment, does not lend at interest or take any profit, withholds his hand from injustice, executes true justice between man and man, walks in my statutes, and keeps my rules by acting faithfully--he is righteous; he surely shall live, declares the Lord God." Ez. 18:5-9

Of course today the staying away from menstrual women seems a little outlandish, I have to remember that in the culture of this time women were seen as impure during that part of their cycle. God is telling us that true living is being pure, not taking advantage of others, blessing the poor and needy, being accountable to others and being completely honest.  I think I can live with that.

Anyway, today I shadowed a PA for a little bit more, I didn't get to see too much, but I did get to ask lots of questions, trying not to be so quiet. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm very comfortable being quiet, especially in new and unknown situations. It is something that I have always dealt with and I'm always trying to open up and vocalize my observations more, because I'm very much an observer.
I then got to meet up with an old friend who I hadn't seen in so long, I was happy to spend time chit-chatting with her and catching up on each other's lives.
My mom also had one of her knee's totally replaced today. Surgery went well. I got to talk to her a little bit, she let me know that they finally increased her pain meds and she wasn't hurting so bad. Right now she is in a contraption in her bed that moves her new knee constantly and that is why she is in a lot of pain, not to mention that they sawed off part of her bone... Apparently, the surgeon told my dad that it was probably the worst knee that he ever had to replace. I hope in a couple of weeks she'll be feeling like a young buck again so we can do fun things together ; )

There's lots of way to replace a knee, and lots of different metal parts a surgeon can use, but I suspect this is what my mom's knee might look like right now.  Let's hope she can make it through the Physical Therapy. She's a tough lady, so I'm sure she can!

I don't like

I don't like it when people have their pre-teens stand up next to me to see who's taller. I'm not a circus show, people.
Have you never seen someone who's 61 inches tall? I'm sure you have, because it's only 2.7 inches shorter than the average american female.

I'm no spectacle.

That sounded a little angry. I'm not angry, just annoyed. I think that that situation has happened to me about 5 times in the past two years. 

So anyway I'm having this desire to go abroad. Working and or volunteering somewhere, well in New Zealand or Australia. I want to see the southern lights and I want to be on another continent and on the other hemisphere where their winter is my summer and my winter is their summer. I just found a volunteer program where I could volunteer in Auckland at a school for kids with cerebral palsy. I would love this, and so would my future master's program.

I'm Happy.

Micah

I went to church tonight and the pastor spoke about Micah 6:8. I'm going to make it my theme this coming semester. Do Justice, Love Kindness, Walk Humbly.

This is my current obsession:

Found this looker on The Glee Project, a show he quit because he chose his morals over wealth, fame and all the stuff that the world says we need. Cameron Mitchell, whatta great guy.

I've began the goal to simplify/organize everything in my room before school starts. Get rid of extra clutter, things I don't need, papers that I've been holding on to that I don't need.

I've also been exercising. My muscles are sore, but they feel extra strong.

COlorado

I promised some people that I would give a fairly detailed account of my trip to Colorado, just because it was filled with adventures and interesting things.

Thursday, July 28, 2011:
Mary and I left Manhattan around 7am, super excited for our weekend trip to Colorado to see many things and visit our lovely friend Rebecca. We drove I-70 until Oakley which we then took two-lane highways pretty much all the way to the Great Sand Dunes National Park. We got to see lots of corn in Kansas and lots of beef once we crossed the state line in Colorado. The problem with two lane highways is that there are only really small towns off of them. So it took us several hours to find a place to eat lunch and have a potty break. We found a really small town with a gas station, luckily, since we were running low. We didn't know how long it would be until we hit a bigger town so I grabbed a hotdog and Mary grabbed a tuna snack and we sat out side and watched some llamas walk around the street. We got back in the car and in 10 minutes we hit a much larger town, with much more lunch varieties, Rocky Ford, CO. This is where we eventually got lost, because the highway that Google Maps gave us was closed for construction and the detour signs were very few and far between. Luckily, my dad gave me a giant road map of Colorado before we left so we found our way to Pueblo with it. We drove longer and arrived at the Great Sand Dunes after about 11.5 hours of driving. We rushed to the visitors center so that we could get there before it closed, forgetting all about the time change that provided an extra hour before closing time! We decided to backpack camp on one of the dunes. So we loaded up our Dads' Army Issued backpacks and duffle bags and began a long, arduous journey up a sand dune. The Sand Dunes were huge, 700 ft high, just of sand. In one book I read that there are old wagons from pioneer days buried in the Sand Dunes which are continually changing with the wind.We finally made it far enough to camp and then we saw big dark clouds rolling in. The wind picked up dramatically. And I was actually scared that I would be taken up in the storm that was coming (I acted like a freak). So after making it all the way up there, we decided we would spare our lives for the night and not get struck by lightening, and just go straight to Gunnison, CO. Our great friend Rebecca was camping for her job, and wouldn't be home until late Friday, but Rebecca's boyfriend, kindly said that we could definitely crash at the apartment a day early. So we left the park, just as sun was setting. We saw many deer as we were driving and that scared me for the rest of the trip because it was so dark and windy on that drive, my mind made me believe that there was going to be a deer at every turn in the road. We were running low on gas so we stopped at the soonest gas station we found. Once we filled up the tank a little, I stuck my key in the ignition and the car wouldn't start. I tried it again, it still wouldn't start. Here we were in Middle of Nowhere, CO, pouring rain all around us and my car wouldn't start. I took a deep breath and I asked my Heavenly Father to just touch my car with His hand and lead us safely to Gunnison. A moment later my car started and we left for Gunnison. We did get to Gunnison safely where we got to meet Rebecca's other roommate and her mysterious cat, Journey.



Friday, July 29, 2011:
This was the day we would hang around Gunnison until we got to meet up with Rebecca. Scott, Rebecca's boyfriend, gave us several options for a great breakfast. So Mary and I dined at a local cafe, The Bean. Munching on burritos I loved the idea that I had no where to be and no schedule and really no worries at all, and that was a magnificent feeling. We walked around downtown Gunnison, which isn't much but 4 or 5 blocks. We went to the visitor's center so we could find some trails to hike. They were super helpful and after a little playing in the park we went to The Dillon Pinnacles trail, about a 20 minute drive from Gunnison. I think we got lost, it was only supposed to be four miles, but we were out there a long time for 4 miles. We ended up turning around, I think we probably did 6 or 7 miles. So we were tired little hikers after it was all over. We went and got some yummy cold drinks and hung out by some fountains, then it started to rain. We decided to try to take little naps in the car for a while, as the apartment was locked because the repairman brought a new fridge for the apartment and locked as he left. After our naps we went to Mochas, so excited for our friend Rebecca to return from her camping trip. We enjoyed happy hour, buy one get one free deal, and Mary taught me how to play Golf the card game. We saw some super cute kids there and soon enough Becca called us; she was home! We went straight to the apartment and then out to eat at a local restaurant Gunnisack. Then we enjoyed the river near Gunnison. After going back to the apt. we strummed Rebecca's ukelele and went to bed.




Saturday, July 30, 2011:
Becca took us to Judd falls, which was outside Crested Butte, near Gothic, CO. We hiked a couple miles and saw the gorgeous waterfall and enjoyed the thousands of wildflowers along the trail. We took tons of pics and stopped on the side of the dirt road on the way back to take even more pictures of all the beautiful flowers, I don't think I've ever seen so many flowers. We ate lunch at The Brick Oven in Crested Butte, which is so touristy and cute I loved it. We sat outside and enjoyed the mountain air. After taking a while to decide, we figured out we all loved the veggie lovers pizza. After eating we stopped at this photographer's gallery, she had everything printed on canvas and all of the pictures of Colorado/Utah were just magnificent. We got back into the car to head to The Black Canyon, I warned my friends that I would fall asleep on the ride, and I sure did. We made two stops at the canyon, one had a dog that seriously looked like a Wolly Mammoth, it was huge and hairy. The canyon definitely made me feel so tiny, such a small thing in a huge scheme. We went back to Gunnison and made ourselves some sort of spaghetti, which was super yummy after the long day. In typical 21-year-old fashion, we went and got Martinis with our favorite Western State College/Gunnison Guy Henry. He's always great company, so we chatted it up at a local bar, that was kind of like a piano bar. Mary's drink tasted like a milk shake, and mine looked like it would poison me, but it didn't. All weekend long Rebecca, Scott and Henry had been talking about a librarian at their school Charlie, so we went and met Charlie. Charlie it probably the most memorable person I've ever met. After a very interesting conversation we went to the apartment and to bed.

Sunday, July 31, 2011:
This was the day we departed Gunnison. We ate a delicious breakfast with Becca at The W Cafe, said our goodbyes and left to Kansas. Monarch pass is much more enjoyable when it's not covered in 3 feet of snow. We made a long and windy drive home, stopping a couple times when we were hungry and had to use the restroom. I can't remember anything of significance that happened this day, we made it home in 10.5 hours, which I think was great time.


The days since then I've been recovering from the full weekend. I volunteered at the ER today and the PA who was working basically told me I was an idiot for going into the medical field, because he thinks it's awful. I didn't like him before that, and I definitely didn't like him after that. I've realized that people with bad attitudes see the world in a totally different light than those of us with much more optimism and much better attitudes. I'm trying to forget about him.
Then I went to work, I was late. The phones were ringing nonstop and it was taking me forever to log onto my computer. Finally at 5:15 I was ready to work when our on-call clinician called me asking me to find someone for her because she couldn't get ahold of the emergency phone call that that person had taken. But after several failed attempts, I could not get a hold of this person. I call the clinician and told her this, and she demanded that I call the police to do a welfare check, when I had no info of the person, no name, no phone number, no nothing! I told her I didn't know how to do that and that that I was not the on-call clinician, that this was not part of my job. She told me to "get with my boss and figure it out". Wonderful. Luckily the situation worked itself out, the client called us saying he was waiting for a call from the clinician.  Some days I love love love my job, others I feel like I worked a 15 hour shift after only 4 hours because it gets that stressful.

So I enjoyed writing all these words and giving a full account of my life's past week. It wasn't boring, was it?

Isaiah

 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you. I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you up. I will say to the north, Give up, and to the south, Do not withhold; bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the end of the earth, everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."

Isaiah 43:1-7

Books

While visiting my brother in New Jersey I started reading The Secret Diaries of Charlotte Bronte, and while they weren't actually written by Charlotte Bronte (who is one of my favorite authors), they mimic her style of writing and I'm loving reading it.
One little passage really struck me: "It seems to me that every experience I have ever had, everything I have ever thought or said or done, and every person I have ever loved, has contributed in some essential way to the human being I am to-day. Had one stroke of the brush touche the canvas in an altered manner, or splashed upon it a darker or lighter colour, I should be a very different person now."
Today at work, I was grunting and complaining about how I often get bored, upset, tired of answering phones every day. I was thinking about how the people who come to community mental health are never happy and I just want to deal with happy people. People who aren't constantly in crisis, people who aren't constantly depressed, people who are just stable, successful, happy.
I cringe at the thought of thinking about that because these are the people who need the most love, and because they haven't found it in their life previously they have turned to get help.
I became grateful for the person that I am. The fact that I am able to deal with people like that, the fact that I was raised in a decent manner with loving parents, the fact that I'm not living off of food stamps. I'm so grateful for the things that a lot of those people never had. So, I'm seeing why people are the way they are, and why I am the way I am. I'm learning that now more than ever that differences are good, and if we were all the same like in the book "The Giver" we would all be plain ole bored.

Then I was watching Numbers today, while I was unpacking and cleaning and Charlie, the mathmatician, said, "Capitalisits are always so surprised when capitalism works!" and I thought about it more and figured that when your brought up in a culture that is so money/material hungry then it's hard to see why anyone would want a capitalist culture. For poor countries whose currency is so messed up, when they are invested in and their countries economy is supplemented, it really does work. However one sad thing about capitalism is that there will always be poor people and there will always be rich people, never one equal class.

When writing and thinking about that I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend while I was staying in Maine. We were brainstorming about ideas of serving a missional purpose. We thought about how Christians are always eager to help the poor, because that's what Jesus did. Jesus healed and blessed the helpless on so many occasions. My friend in Maine threw out this idea about how Jesus didn't walk the earth in today's world  so we must adjust our missional focus so that if he were to walk the earth today, that we would be doing what he would be doing. So some how we got on this idea how a large precentage of the world's wealth is owned by a small small group of people. We talked about how Christians find it hard to reach out to the extremely rich because they seem to have all the earthly things they could ever need, unlike the poor, they are not physically needy only spiritually needy. We thought about a missional group that focused on rich communities, how would the share the love of God with a group of people that believe they don't need to be blessed because they are successful on their own. I wonder if Jesus likes capitalism. I wonder this because it makes a class distinction. I would like to think he does, because I don't think our country could have made it this far, had He not. I think God puts us all in a place in the world so that His servants can bless us in certain ways so that He can be revealed and worshipped in the process. Had we been a different person in a different place, the action would not have affected us the same way.

I went to New Jersey last weekend and this is one of the things I saw.

2 weeks later

I guess my life hasn't been too interesting lately. Today I was orientated on being a volunteer at Mercy Regional Health Center, I'm slowly getting more excited and much less nervous for being in the ER. I throughly enjoyed my day off today. I ran some errands, read outside on the deck, watched some TV, ate dinner with the parents. I'm totally loving the decision not to take classes this summer.
Last week I watched the kids that I sometimes watch. They were so great, a much better experience than the last time.
Now I prepare for my little trip to New Jersey. I'm leaving next Friday, and leaving for 5 days to hang out with my big brother. I hope he shows me a good time in the NorthEast.
I've been working a lot, at least it feels like a lot, but it's not too much. I'm so thankful for a job, that is sometimes a little draining, but most of the time I can handle it.
My read the bible in a year thing is taking me slowly through Proverbs. I'm not getting much out of it, so I'm losing my motivation. However, I get so excited when I see God working in my life. I can't get over it. Seriously my summer could have been so much different than it is right now, but He is totally guiding me, showing me the important things, allowing me to see how my plans aren't always His plans, but His are so so so much better than mine. It's an amazing feeling to know that, although sometimes I feel alone in trying to figure out things, that I'm not actually alone. God cares for me, has a plan for me and daily He impresses his presence on me. Ah, I get so excited when I talk about this. It is so comforting to know that I'm not the only one fighting for me.

This weekend one of my roommates is in town, so we're going to hang out. Possibly I'll get a phone upgrade from Sprint, if they want to work a deal with me. That's about all the plans I have for the weekend. I love lazy days, I especially when they are well deserved. Rest is so beneficial.

-----

Wildlife

Yesterday two swallows began building nest in our gutter. This would be okay if they weren't the type of birds to protect their nest. Every time we would open the front door we would be swarmed by these cute, but freaky, little birds. My dad began by hosing down the gutter, getting rid of their mud nest. They came flying back as my dad was spraying the gutter down. They were not happy birds, my dad sprayed them with water as to avoid getting attacked by these little swallows.
Not but 4 hours later, these two birds stood perched on our porch light. We thought they were just out of sorts and would leave. No. They began building another mud nest on the top of the light. This morning there were three swallows protecting the beginnings of a nest. So, when they were out collecting building materials my dad washed down the porch light, sprayed it with canola oil. The canola oil was a technique we learned about on google, the swallows won't build a nest on a surface on which their mud won't stick. When the birdies came back, they were so confused, probably a little upset.
I love our new house, pretty peaceful and very relaxing. I feel bad, however, that our new home has encroached on the homes of many species. So many hornets, wasps, deer, bunnies, frogs, turtles, birds, giant spiders, and I have yet to see a snake, but I'm sure there's a ton living in the forest behind our back yard.
I hope they can find a new home, just like we did.

Workin.

I love working at Pawnee Mental Health for a couple reasons, but the main being that I'm learning exactly how not to parent. For example: when a child throws a shoe at their parent, it should not be ignored and laughed off. For another example: when you're at a doctor's office, your children racing down the hallways back and forth, should not be laughed off and ignored. And for my final example of the day: when you're at a doctor's office and your children are standing on the arm rests of the chair, it should not be ignored.
That was all witnessed in 7.5 hours of work.


Aw, the joys of community mental health.

Mayo Clinic

Tonight I spent about 1.5 hours reading articles, Q&A's, forum, reports, and all that fun stuff on Mayo Clinics website. I want to work for them. I would just have to move and get them to hire me right out of PA school. Let's start crossing our fingers.

Back to Normal

So it looks like I've forgotten all about this blog. It's been several days. I don't really have anything of substance to really write about. I'll give a little update.

I went back to work this week, it feels nice to be back in a normal routine again. I turned in paper work at Mercy Regional Hospital so that I can shadow some Physician's Assistants and so that I can volunteer this summer since I do have lots of extra time. I finally finished watching Scrubs and am glad to say that Netflix has allowed me to move onto a new show Numb3rs. I've only watched the pilot, but it looks pretty cool. I love crime/mystery solving shows. Also, today I bought a plane ticket! I'm going to New Jersey to go visit my brother over 4th of July weekend. I'm so excited to see him and where he lives.

Last weekend I attended two weddings! It was so great to see friends in love and publicly declaring their lives and their love to one person. Marriage is so beautiful and last weekend made me realize one thing. That marriage is not impossible for me. I know that sounds wacky, but last school year I went through this stage where I thought I was never ever going to date/get married/be in love. That was ugly and emotional. I'm glad to say I'm over that sappy part of my life and have found other, more positive, things to put my energy in to.

Also, since I did take a week off of work, I was really worried that come middle of June I would not have enough money to pay all the bills I need to pay, but once again my Great Provider has provided a little nannying job for the middle of June. This will more than make up that week of pay I didn't get. How wonderful is He? So wonderful.

My parents hired The Pond Guys to build a fence for our backyard. Every day Violet and I watch them with excitement as they build the fence. I can't wait to just let her outside so she can run wild, like she did in the old house. Right now they only have the holes dug for the posts to go in, but I'm glad it's finally taking some shape. The progress was slowed a little bit since we've had some storms that caused a great bit of flooding around Manhattan. I'm glad that people aren't blaming my parent's new house area on it, they're mostly blaming the Colbert Hills and Scenic Drive parts of town. The building in these areas diverted water into different paths so that there is a lot of water moving into one creek. When there is more than 3 inches of rain that falls it seems that Wildcat Creek will flood every time. Hopefully some great engineers can get some new paths for this water, because I'm sure it's pretty annoying to be awaken at 4am by fire fighters telling you to evacuate your home because a creek is too full.

Weather is pretty interesting.  I think if I wasn't going to be a PA I would be one of two other things. 1. a civil engineer or 2. a meteorologist.

Well, it's lunch time.

Summer Days

So I'm sitting next to my Violet doggie, pillows around me. I've realized one thing these past couple of days. Healing is humbling. It's amazing how dependent I have become of those around me, just to heal. I don't like healing because it requires rest and after about a day of rest, I'm tired of resting. I don't like healing because it is the one instance in my life where I can't do things for myself like I enjoy doing. I don't like healing because when you're on medication it makes it terribly hard to concentrate on reading, so I've gotten none of that done. In fact, I'm two days behind on my read the bible in the year book. I do like healing because I see that people truly care for me. I do like healing because it makes me slow down. I do like healing because it is easy to see progress where it has been made. This is not only a physical type of healing, but a spiritual as well.  I think that may be all I have to say.

This is Violet when she was about 6 months old. So precious. Who knew that she would still be that way when she got older. She's a great little doggie.

Beautiful Days

I'm so excited that summer is here and the weather is beautiful!! Sunny and 75 are perfect summer days. Today I'm heading out to Konza Prairie with some friends, it will be nice to get outside and enjoy the fresh air.
One thing I've been thinking deeply about is how loving my friends are and how supportive my family is. Particularly my family, I cannot think of one time in which they were dissapointed with a desicion I made for myself, that I ended up being dissapointed with. They are always supportive. Yes, they will give me advice and guide my decisions, and I deeply value their opinion. However, they know that whatever it is, it is ultimately my decision to make. Anyway, I'm so thankful and blessed that I have all of these great people in my life.

Yesterday I was reading this article. It made me reallllly want to travel and see these places. Especially to see this:

So now, I must add Cambodia to places I want to go before I die. Right next to New Zealand.
Well, I don't want to be the stinky person when we go to Konza, so I'm going to get all cleaned up!

Have a beautiful Tuesday.

P.s. Funny Story: So I'm at my parents house and their caller ID talks, so I always know it's my mom when it says "G-6 fort doim armor". Little did I know, it says that for all of Fort Riley. So today I answered "Yes, Ma'am!!" and it wasn't her, it was a lady calling to speak to me about a scholarship I had applied for. Silly me. I think I made up for it by talking very professionally and politely throughout the entire conversation.

Summer

So. It's over. Five finals and many hours of studying and a mild mental breakdown and I'm done.
Today I got to celebrate Mother's day. I think my mom appreciated that I still wanted to celebrate it, even though I was a week late. I took my mom out to Longhorn's steak house, my dad tagged a long too, but he had to buy his own meal because that place is a little high class for this part-time worker's wallet. It took us a while to get our food, which is was fine with me because we got to chat with each other and there was no pressure of trying to get home quick because of loads of school work to get done.
So I'm on a much needed break. I'm still unsure what exactly I'm doing this summer. I hope to shadow some PAs and maybe volunteer in a nursing home or at Mercy Regional Hospital.
The first two days of summer have been strange. I was able to catch up on TV I missed and some sleep I missed. However, it was only like 52 degrees outside. Unseasonably cold for May in Kansas. But let's not forget the 90 degrees the week before, unseasonably warm for May in Kansas. That's what I like, surprises. I wouldn't be shocked if it was either 90 degrees tomorrow or if I saw snowflakes falling from the sky. So unpredictable.
I'm in the process of moving back home into my parent's house. So far, so good. I've enjoyed being in their caring and loving company. I'm thrilled to save money, it's too expensive to go to school and live away from home, especially if your parents live in the same town you do. It's especially hard when you pay for everything, I mean everything, out of your own pocket. Luckily, they are always willing to help out if I need it, because they are great. It's usually my problem of not asking for help because I want to be able to be completely independent of them. Anyway. I'm going to enjoy summer. I'm going to enjoy some time off in the company of my friends and family, and I'm not going to fill guilty about it.

byebye

Crazy

Oh dear. you know when you're stressed out, frustrations have come your way, and all you try to do is contain yourself and deal with it in your own place and your own mind? Maybe I'm the only one who does that.
This week lots of things haven't gone my way, I still have no summer planned. I need to be okay with that. I still have issues on how I'm actually going to get to PA school. I'm nervous about the future because I have no idea what it holds. I'm worried about moving everything back to my parent's house this weekend. I have all these little things I need to get done, on top of studying for my last final.
So all these thoughts and feelings were going through my mind while I was having a meeting with my Pre-PA advisor. and all of the sudden my stress and tiredness and worries just hit me and I started crying like a little baby in her office. I couldn't contain myself. I was so embarrassed. She tried to help me by saying "you have no idea how many tears I have seen in this office." But that didn't help, it made me feel like more of an idiot for crying about things that are out of my control.
She offered several solutions to my future plans, although I can't even think about those right now because I'm worried about the next two exams. I feel like a mess and in an hour and a half I have to put on my happy face for work.

So that was a little downer. sorry.

Oh my finals week

So I got that A in Psych, by the skin of my teeth. But, it's still an A.

It's truly amazing the soundness of God's "NO". I'm realizing this after fighting so much about summer plans. Right now, I have none and summer starts in T-minus 41 hours. My plan was to take a CNA class, but MATC's class filled up before I was able to enroll. Then I found another one and since I'm having a little surgery, I can't take it. So maybe God's plan for me doesn't involve being a CNA, or at least right now.

So, literally no plans for the summer. What am I going to do??
Tomorrow I meet with my Pre-PA advisor, maybe she'll have a little advise for me. So that I don't feel like the only college age person who has nothing planned. Outside of a couple weddings, some possibilities of trips to New Jersey, Colorado and Wisconsin, studying for the GRE (oh and that little surgery). Maybe I'll take a class, maybe I'll work a couple hours more a week. I have to do something. I cannot imagine a summer of nothing.

I wanted to put a picture up, but instead of searching for one I'm going to study for my P. Chem exam... probably a smarter idea.

see ya.

an almost week later

Sheesh, sorry about not writing.
Literally, 5 finals this week. Lots of appointments, meetings and what-have-yous are filling up any free time that I'm not studying. My easy finals are over, public speaking and women's studies. Today I have Psych, which is a class that I have a boarder line grade, so I want to keep an A!! On Friday I have my final finals which both classes I'm probably going to get B's in which is fine, they're my hard classes, P. Chem and Micro. So not a bad semester, grade-wise. I think I've taken more tests this semester than any other semester, although, I could be wrong.

I'm going to keep this short, because I have lots of studying to do. I'm sad to say good-bye to my roomies and friends that are leaving for the summer and other fun life adventures. That's life though, we only have the people we love around us for short whiles and then one of us will move on to greater and better things. that's kind of a downer, didn't mean for it to be that way. I guess what I really wanted to say, is that I appreciated the love they showed me this year and how much I learned from them this year.

Bye now. I have to read/study/make sure I don't fail.

(P)salms

Yay. Well somehow I got lucky enough to not have classes today, so I slept until 7am, got lots of school work done and now I'm going to go to work here pretty soon.
Last night I got to spend sometime with some great ladies. I love being around these girls, they are so great and such an encouragement to see how they live their lives. We all ate rice and beans together, in a celebration of Mary eating these simple foods for the month of April.

So I'm making my way through Psalms in my read the bible in a year thing. I should start calling it BIAY (bible in a year). That would save my fingers lots of keyboard pressing. Reading Psalm 36 I realized the bigness (if you will), the powerfulness, the almighty-ness of our God. It's incomprehensible, but a glimpse at it makes me feel so tiny and little in His huge picture and scheme of life.

"Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the clouds. You righteousness is like the mountains of God; Your judgements are like the great deep; man and beast you save, O Lord. How precious is Your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light." Psalm 36:5-9

There is so much great imagery there. Every beauty of life that I can think of is compared to the beauty of God, compared to his graciousness, his love, his saving grace. And to think that these earthly images are only the tip of the iceberg of how wonderful He truly is. Astounding.

Lessons

The banquet and the blacklight party turned out to be great great fun. Everyone looked great all dressed up and pretty, and the blacklight party had so great music and dancing.

So right now I'm going to just share about me week, and not the surfacy stuff like Oh it was a great week, I got a B on my P. Chem test. I did get a B, but there was a lot more going on in my head/heart this week.
I've been really stressed out because of money. I don't have enough of it to do everything I want to. Money has always been a huge worry to me. I'm not sure why, whether it be seeing my parents reaction when I was growing up to their bills or just how I want want want. Right now, it's not even wanting material items. Basically I want to travel, and traveling is expensive, especially sense I only work part time and I pay all of my bills with out the help of my parents. I don't like asking for help because I do feel it is my responsibility to be independent. So finally towards the end of the week, I thought, whatever happens happens. Just being content with the fact that I do get to travel and I won't have money for a really long time until I get an actual job. So I saw the mail man stop by yesterday, but was too busy with banquet-y things and homework-y things. After the banquet I finally checked the mail and I got a letter from Scholarships for Military Children and they had awarded me a pretty significant amount of my tuition money for next school year. I was so honored, so excited, so blessed by this award it was just a great feeling. I've never felt that way before about any award ever. I'm so thankful for it. God knows my needs. It's amazing to me how easy it is not to trust Him completely and in the perfect time He displays His greatness, how His hand works in everything.

Now that wasn't the only thing going through my head. This week, in typical girl fashion, I had this idea and detriment in my mind that I was going to be single forever, for the rest of my life. I think in the past I was just unhappy with the fact that I've never dated anyone, but this week it hit me just head on the idea that I would end up 45, 50, whatever age it may be and still be in the same boat I am today. Lucky for me, though, God has placed some extraordinary friends in my life. They knew the right comforting words that truly spoke to my heart. I'm so thankful for them. I feel like such a cry baby, because that is literally all I've been doing this week. This is something I'd been praying so much to God about, like why was I being so weak, when in the past I'd been so strong, fighting past this idea. Right now it doesn't make sense, and just like the money thing everything has a time, a God crafted, prefect time. I cannot forget this.

I've decided I need to start limiting my facebook use. Or just kind of guard my heart a little more when I'm on it. I think facebook is a great great tool, but at the same time it can turn against me when I invest too much into it. So the first step in doing that was taking it off of my shortcut bar. So now when I look at it, facebook won't be there and it will be much easier to avoid looking at multiple times a day.

Now, I really should study.

Almost Done

Hey.

The Bake sale is over! Isn't that awesome? That's one huge load off of my chest. All I have to do is write a little paper for that project, get my powerpoint slide ready, and present. Then I'm pretty much done with that. Super happy about that. We raised 80 dollars for National Organization of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders

Tomorrow's the banquet! Very excited to see all of my Ichthus friends dressed up and looking wonderful. It should be a lot of fun.

Because the past two days have been so busy I haven't done my bible reading. However, I was able to go on a run this morning which was wonderful because the weather was perfect. Maybe I'll get to go again tomorrow?
I'm dog sitting this weekend. So Violet and I have already had so much fun. We took left over bake sale items to my work, we went back to my apartment and she sniffed the place while I packed everything up. She's a pretty good side-kick, although sometimes she has to sit in the car because places won't let her in. They're discriminating against my little doggie!

Now, she's whining at me. That's not new. So I'm going to get on top of that bible reading right now. And possibly take a nap. Tonight is my night to myself and I'm pretty excited for it.

byyyyye!

Aging

Oh dear. So, I know I'm only 21, but seriously I feel so old compared to when I was oh, a mere 15.
So sure, I haven't gone running in over a month, so this morning was beautiful, I just had to. Lucky for me, unlike last weekend, this one is much more relaxed. All I really have to do is get things ready for my women's studies activism project, get things ready for the Ichthus banquet, write/memorize a 7-9 minute speech, and catch up on some reading. Oh wow, that does sound like a lot, but seriously not as bad as last weekend.
So back to running. Now, I know I'm out of shape because it hurts to breath hard. My throat gets sore, I cough up some lovely stuff and it's just not comfortable. But, I have no one to blame for that except my self. So while dodging little piles of doggie poop on the sidewalks, stuff in my body started hurting. Like my ankle was unhappy and so was my hip. At the age of 15...nothing like that ever hurt. So strange. I'm not old, but I do feel my aging ever so slightly.

Tomorrow I get to celebrate Jesus coming back to earth. Yesterday I really reflected on the purpose of Jesus who died for the human race. He died so that the consequences of our sins is taken from us, so long as we believe in Him. Also, for some reason the radio stations in Manhattan are really crappy and always playing commercials instead of actual music. But yesterday as I was really thinking about this stuff the christian radio stations were seriously blasting so great tunes for that time. I'm so thankful that I celebrate a God who wants to be celebrated and worshipped, so much that He would enhance that time for me in a such a small way, but making me feel so completely loved through it. That was a pretty long sentence and I'm hoping that that made sense.

This morning as I was running, I felt so different about things. I like running with no watch, no ipod, just me and the sound of my feet hitting the pavement so that I have no distractions. This is the time I really get to think and have little conversations with God. So as I was running back home something told me to just look to the sky. Seriously, most beautiful clouds/sun rising ever. The clouds were a dark blue, with dimples in them so that every once and a while they would break apart and there the sun beams would shine through. So gorgeous, my words do no justice. It's so great to me that almost every aspect of my day is somehow turned to Him and how His beauty shines through everywhere.

Last night I met up with an old friend. She shared with me the details of her college life, her college friends, her college everything. I love her so much, but hearing her stories just makes me so sad. It makes me see the lives that we live are so different. It makes me see the way the world just wants us to live. I have to, I mean really, have to start praying for her. I have to start being more diligent with things like that. I hope that she could see that I do love her and care for her so much that I want her to see and believe the same things I do. I don't want to seem judgmental. Is that judgmental? I don't think it is. I hope it didn't come off that way.

Time get started on that speech.

Job

So today I realized I hadn't really written here all week! that's what I get for studying all waking hours of the day. However, I didn't really studying too much for my fifth and final test of the week that's tomorrow. I hope it's not too bad. For one of my tests I studied 1/4 of the wrong material...and managed to get a B. I can handle that. Tonight I took a P. Chem test. I feel pretty good about it, but I can't feel too good because the last time I felt good I got a D. Well, really a D +, but the plus doesn't really matter when it's a D, for crying out loud. I feel like I had a better study strategy for this last test, and was able to answer all the questions, now it's just down to whether or not my professor liked my answers.

Bonding and antibonding of Oxygen gas

That kind of stuff was on my P. Chem exam. It's actually kind of interesting once I can fully understand what is going on, so that's pretty nice.

Today I started reading Job (Jooooooob- long 'o', so not like employment) I'm so excited, I've never read Job and it's a book about suffering. Suffering is something that we have talked a lot about at various Ichthus things, so I'm super excited to fully learn and digest what that book of Job has for me. I only read 2 chapters today, but tomorrow I'm supposed to read 13... sometimes my little read the bible in a year thing divides things up pretty strangely. But, I'm learning about the times of suffering in my life, where God kind of stripped me of my worldly trusts so that I could search Him out and learn to put full hope and trust in Him.

Another thing I'm excited about is Easter. I love Easter. No, not because of the Easter bunny delivering all sorts of goodies, although, those goodies are nice, especially when they come in the form of Itunes gift cards. I really love Easter but that was when Jesus came back to life. The day he rose from the dead, showed unbelievers the holes in his hands where he was nailed to the cross. This is such a beautiful image. The son of God died for me, so that I could live this forgiven life. This life that doesn't end but becomes exponentially better once I have died here on earth. Today I began thinking of death, mostly because I was watching a Scrubs show on netflix where this woman said that she was never afraid of death until she was truly staring right at it. So I got to thinking, am I scared of death? I want to say no, but honestly I think I am. I kind of think it's okay too. I mean Jesus was scared of death, he asked God if that was the only way to save the people, and it was. Death is scary because no one, absolutely no one, knows fully what it is like. Which is why there are so many religions on earth, no body knows anything about death and what actually happens to the spirit/soul of the human.

I think it's so lovely to think about how people of souls. How we our bodies may not be invincible, but our soul lives forever. I also think that God has truly been revealing to me moments in my life where my soul wasn't truly aligned with what was right. I think He's also showing to me times where my soul truly dealt with hurt and suffering. I love, though, that we get to forgive and when we forgive, just like Jesus forgives, that our souls feel better. I would say my mind feels relieved when I forgive, but my soul feels different, as if forgiving was apart of my souls healing process.

I'm constantly being brought back to my very first year of college. I didn't know how to adapt far away, I was quiet and wasn't making friends, I was uncomfortable. So I moved home and thought everything would be much easier. No, classes were terribly difficult for my faith, my family was on the verge of being torn apart and I felt as though I didn't have a place in any of my communities. That year sucked. I hate thinking about how much pain I had to go through to get to where I am today. How much I've changed from that one year. How much more I understand what true forgiveness is. It's incredible the amount of love and teaching that God gives when I'm crying out to Him and when I'm so full of hurt. And what's even better is when that love that He gives to me is carried out in me, so that I can show love to those who are also hurting.

That was a lot of writing. I think that's good, especially since I've kind of lacked on that part.

This is me repelling down a cliff in Maine where the black flies were swarming like maniacs. This was the summer that I chose to remove myself from Kansas to learn a little more about the person God has made me to be and how to relate that to others.

That's it.

The weekend

Aw, so I'm exhausted. It seems like once or twice a semester (outside of finals week) all of my tests fall in the same week. This is good for 1 reason: I actually get to celebrate Easter (my 2nd favorite holiday). This is bad for a multitude of other reasons, too much work is the main one.
I'm trying to remain calm, not thinking about how overwhelmed I actually am.

I think after tomorrow I'll be a little better, that knocks 3 of the 5 off of my plate.
I'm trying to think of something wacky to put on a black t-shirt that I wear to a blacklight party. I'm pretty excited for it.

The past week my life has been a series of to-do lists. I love those, keeps me so focused to get everything done.
Also, I'm learning so much about self-control. Mostly, I really want to go see my brother in Jersey this summer, but I don't want to have to ask my mom and dad for any support. So by saying 'no' to a couple of things I don't necessarily need, but pretty much want, has really taught me to see great goals beyond the immediate moment.

This has once again, not been a very coherent entry, but then again I feel like my brain is fried, and there is still so much to do. bye

Kansas

Hmm, Kansas. You're so interesting. I complied a list of funny named towns in Kansas.
Bel Aire, Cuba, Holland, Coats, Oscar, Dunlap, Effingham, Gas, Havana, Peabody, Hope, Isabel, Maize, Medicine Lodge, Milan, Montezuma, Moscow, Powhattan, Princeton, Protection.

I think my favorite is Montezuma. So funny.

This morning something hilarious happened. Apparently last night one of my roommates had a horrifying dream, woke up and heard something quite strange in our apartment. So what does she do? Naturally, She runs to my other roommate's room and asks if she can sleep with her. Of course, when you wake someone up in the middle of a REM cycle, they aren't going to remember anything like that. So this roommate says 'sure, go ahead'. At 6:45 am the owner of the bed looks to the other roommate and says "um, what are you doing in here?" So she explains what happened again. Weird... 20+ year olds having bad dreams and running scared into someone else's bed.

HAPPY FRIDAY.

Another Day

So before I head off to class and another busy day begins, I have 5 minutes to write a little.

One thing really. I think it's amazing how God can speak. Over the past couple of weeks I think I've really began to understand how living by faith and not by sight is truly something that has to be implemented in my spiritual walk. It never astounds me that when God is truly speaking to me and I'm not listening how He does not give up. Not until I listen, and when I do and missed all of those other times I feel like a super idiot. A girl, who is extremely wise, said at life group last night that our lives aren't supposed to be perfect or flawless. There will be hurt, suffering, and pain. I believe the root of all of those terrible emotions and feelings is sin. But somehow, like the Bible says, God uses all these moments to help us learn and grow.
We have been talking a lot about suffering lately and only last night did I realize a pretty significant time in my life where I truly was suffering, where I was just kind of hanging on and hurting. It's amazing how God used that time to pull me out of my element and teach some incredible things about myself and Him. It is amazing how much He truly loves us. I have been feeling His love so much lately. and I cannot describe it. Like I know my mom loves me and I can feel her love, but God's love for me feels so different, so empowering, so perfect. It really is incredible.

time for me to get to class!

I've lost count

I'm sure I could go back and count all the days I've missed, but I don't want to.

I don't have much to share. I have lots of pre-studying to do before next weekend, when the real studying happens because I think I have 5 exams that week. Crazy, I know, it might as well be finals week, but it's not.

So for my Women's Studies class we have to do an activism project. My group members and I are having a bake sale to raise money for National organization of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. I know it seems a little ironic, bake sales for eating disorders??? It is, but I think we could really market it in a fun, friendly way. We're going to have things other than cookies too! I'm going to try to make granola bars, for a healthier snack, hopefully my friend who is known for making great granola can lend me a hand. I'm pretty excited for this project. I can't wait to present it to the class and even if it is a small amount that we are able to donate, I'm glad we'll be able to do it. People who have eating disorders have a terrible self image and ANAD helps set up support groups and confrences in the area so that people struggling with these disease can overcome it. Visit their website.

Well, I have lots of little things to do today, so that I'm not overwhelmed with lots of big things to do tomorrow.

The Ninety Third

Hello internet world.

I made it through my Monday classes! Can I get a hip-hip hooray?
Ah, so windy outside. I don't know why I'm always so surprised by the wind...I mean I do live in Kansas it is known for being windy. I mean two words: Dust Bowl.
Last night my chicken cattiatore was an Ichthus hit. I brought up my idea of having a Barn party and calling it "Hickthus" and no one thought it was a good idea (except for my roommate, who always seems to like my ideas)
Another thing about dinner last night. It's so neat that people in Ichthus are so passionate about other things. These people literally want to change the world, they want to leave an impression and an impact. I respect that so much. Members of Ichthus aren't there solely to stick their heads in the bible and put "Jesus Loves Me" stickers on their notebooks. They truly have a desire to live as Jesus did and spread his love and his activism around K-State and the world. That is so great.

Today in my women's studies class I learned that lots of people look down on C-sections as a form of childbirth. That is actually how I came into the world. I've never had one of those things personally, or experienced a healing process that is similar, but I do feel kind of shocked about it. This one girl in my class spoke about how she has seen a million documentaries on healthcare and maternity and knows that there is a lot that M.D's will not tell there patients, just so that there will be less work for them. So now I start getting defensive because of several reasons. 1. We all know that most documentaries, while informative, are told with a bias. I love documentaries, but most of the stuff I learn from them I must take with a grain of sand. 2. I respect people in the M.D. position. That is not an easy job to get, and once you get there you are overworked, pretty underpaid if your working in family medicine for how much schooling and knowledge you have and quite often people will question your diagnosis.
The girl in my class said that giving birth while laying on your back with your feet propped up is probably the worst position you could give birth, but this is how it is done. Oh, so that's the doctors fault? Imagine delivering about 400 babies a year, and standing crouched underneath a screaming woman, trying to make sure that the human being she is pushing out is not going to go crashing down to the floor...and then working for another 30 years. No, that's impossible, doctors would have so many bad occupational markers and back problems that that time span in which they can viably work in obstetrics will be quite shortened. All I have to say is there is nothing wrong with the way it is done. I just don't like disrespect, I mean the people who make those documentaries probably didn't go to medical school, probably didn't participate in a residency or a fellowship so they probably have no expert opinion to actually be making a documentary about it. There sole purpose is to probably make something seem worse than it actually is.

Wow, that was a bit of a rant. Sorry. I just sometimes find things like that a little outlandish, and sometimes I just have to say something about it.
bye

The Ninety First

Ah. This weekend has been lovely. Minimal homework, lots of roommate hang out time. Going to KSU baseball game. I like it. I'm sorry my blogs posts haven't been that interesting. I do have something very exciting to share. I know I've talked a lot about how my Women's Studies class really stretches and collides with a lot of my really firm beliefs, but I'm seriously considering minoring in Women's Studies. I only have to take 12 more hours and it can be in classes that aren't women studies, but women focused (like pysch of women, mental health issues and women). Those sorts of classes are things that I'm pretty interested in. Mostly I'm excited because I can make this work with my remaining three semesters at K-State. Not only does this work out well, but it will make me look like a different candidate at PA school.
So hopefully when I graduate I will end with a B.S. in Biology with minors in Chemistry and Women Studies. AHHHH. I'm kind of so excited about it.

So my friend Mary has introduced me to 8tracks.com and I highly recommend this place. It's awesome. No commercials and much better than Pandora!

I'm rounding out reading 2 Chronicles. I'm excited to start Ezra. Chronicles has been great, but it's basically a recap on Kings, so I'm excited to move beyond that.

It really stinks thinking you did AWESOME and then learning you did not (cough, PCHEM, cough)

Ok, that's it.

The Eighty Eighth

Ah, so unmotivated for school.

Anyway, My little silver tooth fell out on Monday, and it's loose again right now. Yuck, I dislike dental work greatly. In 10 days, though, I will have my nice permanent-not-going-anywhere tooth.
I've been trying to study and be diligent with my school work for the past couple of days, but it's not really working and I keep forgetting small things I have to do.

Oh, and my jury duty got cancelled! I was so sad. But, I got to talk to the coordinator and I cleared up some dates so that she won't have to call me in when I'm not available. My name goes back in the lottery since I didn't attend, so that means at any time I could get called again.

Anyway, I'm reading through 2nd Chronicles and it's basically a repeat of Solomon's story in Kings, but I think it drives home a lot of the importance of trusting, worship, loving.
So I don't have anything else to say.

The Eighty Fourth

Today was lovely. I was thankful for another day with no thoughts of homework or school. I think I'll take one more day like that and then on Monday I'm going to find my motivation to get it all started again.
Today I got to be nostalgic with my oldest friend (not in age, but in the length in which I've known her) and we watched old videos and talked about old times. Then we made some delicious pretzels. After that I went to Los Cocos with my mom and dad and had a 2 dollar Margarita, yumm and cheap. i think I'll watch a movie or some more scrubs, go to bed early, and just enjoy this last little part of spring break.

bye for now.

The Eighty Second

Today has been interesting. I haven't slept in all morning, I haven't really rested this spring break and my little cold that I have has decided that it is happy staying where it's at. So I took a load of cough meds just a couple minutes ago so we'll see if it takes care of anything.

My tooth actually did not end up hurting, just unnatural. I'm scared to chew on that side of the mouth because the dentist told me that the temporary crown can fall out. No chewing gum for me in the next couple of weeks, which really sucks if I have a halitosis kind of day.

Ok, a couple of things. We have internet at the Bennett house, so I'll be watching scrubs in like 3 minutes.

1st, God is so interesting and mind-boggling. I've been doing so well in my reading the bible in a year thing and today I was blessed with something beautiful. While not having internet this morning, I opened up a Podcast by Mark Driscoll, who is probably my favorite pastor to listen to. I just finished 1 and 2 Kings, which is like a huge accomplishment for me because generally I can't stick with these things. Pastor Mark is doing a series in Luke and I'm really behind, but the sermon I listened to he talked about how Jesus is a prophet, and I said in my mind, "Oh, like Elijah and Elisha!" and sure enough, Mark pulled one story out of 1st Kings and another out of 2nd Kings and I was so excited! Out of all the sermons I could have picked I picked the one that Mark talks about all the great things I just read about and I got to digest and know them even further than I had before. It's so beautiful.

2nd, Ever since reading A Million Miles in A Thousand Years I keep thinking about the story I live. Over winter break I was thinking I really had no story, that there was meaning in life but I was not living a meaningful life. I've come to realize this week, that as other people are out doing wonderful things I'm usually in Manhattan doing stuff here and I was pretty unhappy with that. But, I'm not anymore. I've realized that I can serve so many people here and love so many people here, that here may be just where I'm supposed to be. Knowing that has made me happier, it has made me much more joyful in what I do, whether it be making an appointment at work with a better attitude or doing laundry for my mom because I know she is going to be super busy when she gets home from work, without moaning and groaning about it. It's easy to say, oh this is so wonderful, but it really sucks when you do all these kind things with such a great attitude and someone comes along and looks beyond those great things and immediately tells you what you did wrong.
I wish I could say that I thought nothing of it, that I figured it was the place that that person's heart was in, but I can't say that. I was so deeply offended. This little experience makes me see that I will never really find what I'm looking for in this earth and the heart's of the people on this earth, only in heaven is where I'll find that I'll be completely satisfied, where I won't have those downers come along and disrupt my joyfulness. Ok enough of that! I guess work in progress really does mean something. I'm praying that the next time something like that does happen I'll have a much better reaction to it.

Tomorrow, I'm getting out of town and I'm pretty excited about it. My cough medicine is helping, hip hip hooray!