The Fifty Eighth

This weekend has been so relaxed and nice. I love weekends like this. I went and saw a play called Broke-ology last night. I think it had the smallest cast of any play that I had ever seen, but it was still interesting. I started writing my paper about it, but I didn't get very far. I think I'll finish it tonight once I get back from the Ichthus Sunday dinner.
I don't really have anything profound to write about. Gas prices stink, darn you middle east conflict, just let your people be free!

So day 4 of the 30 day challenge is a picture of your favorite night.

This was right before Christmas when Mary and I drove to KC and skated (not really, but watched people skate), ate lots of cookies and noodles and company. I don't think it was very fun for Mary who had to hop around KC on crutches, but it was nice just to get together with people you know and meet people you don't already know.

Lata.

The Fifty Fifth

I'm so grateful for my mom.

Today I shared with her that I've been struggling with anxiety and right away she wanted to help me. So she bought me curtains so that I can sleep at night and the lights outside won't bother me. Hopefully that will help. She also sent my dad out in the middle of a blizzard to give me tea so that I could breathe easy and relax while I was at work. She is so sweet and thoughtful.
I'm not sure why I've been feeling this way. It's probably because I've been pretty stressed and this is my body saying that I need to take a little break, find some peace. Driving in the snow is one of the anxious almost to the point of becoming sick moments, luckily tonight I prayed and the feeling of uneasiness was quickly lifted from me. God is so beautiful in that only a small prayer can change my thinking and my feelings so quickly. The moment I shared my worries with my mom, I know that she talked to God about it. She is so good with that, I could feel it instantly. Her love calling on His love for me.
I think, again, satan is trying to claw his way into me, alter my thinking. I'm not trying to sound paranoid, but this has been an incredibly interesting semester because I have seen this happening to me.
Hopefully with prayer and no medication I can move beyond this minor bump in the road.
I'm also aware that a lot of my anxiety stems from the things that I don't really have control over. Perhaps, this is God teaching me to let go a little, enjoy the ride more. I could be totally wrong, but it seems pretty right.

I think sometimes it's really hard to be vulnerable with the people around me. It is especially hard to be vulnerable with the random people who could be reading this. So, I promise, I'm not some sort of freak, just someone who is trying to find their way and trying to solely lean on God for that.

I'm going to bed early tonight and I'm going to get a great night's rest.

The Fifty Fourth

Ah, so I got off of work early, which is good for studying, bad for the wallet. I haven't been really devoted to writing recently, nor have I been really devoted to reading scripture recently. So while I wait for my chicken to cook, before I start my real studying for my P. Chem quiz, I'm going to write.
I just began by typing Psalms into google, and it said Psalm 139. So I don't think I've ever read that one before, or I just don't remember. This is where it says that we are all "fearfully and wonderfully made", which is so true and so beautiful. To think that the creator of the universe knit you together in your mama's womb is such a beautiful to think about.
I took a developmental biology class last year and a fetus developing is such a unique and beautiful processes, it is almost inexplainable. The magnificence of the intricacy of that event is almost miraculous. One, itty-bitty gene can determine if your fingers actually develop into fingers and not a webbed apparatus like frogs.
Psalms 139 also says, "You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it all together." His knowledge of me is "too wonderful for me, it is high, I cannot attain it."
To think that not only did he beautifully make me, He knows me more than I know myself.
This helpful to think of because lately, as I always do, I've been thinking of my future. Yes, I want to go to PA school. Yes, I want to graduate. But, am I really cut out to be in the medical field? I keep thinking that His plan for me is sovereign. It's nice to think that His plan is so much larger than me and I'm only playing a small role in this life. For some reason, beyond my understanding, He has given me an ability to retain information and do well in the classes that it takes to get there, so I'm hoping and praying that I'm moving in the right direction.

On to another topic, one that isn't as pleasant. I've become more aware, lately, how satan really messes with me and my thinking. He makes me insecure in my actions, unsure of my decisions, and totally makes me feel down on myself. I only realize this after it has taken a toll on me, which is not good. It is good that I've seen it happen and I'm now more aware. I feel like I've always felt that God is real, but satan never seemed real to me. He is making himself more real to me, I don't like it, but I have a better understanding of why the world is the way it is. It's not fair that it's like it, but the world is fallen and satan is alive and active in it. It's not a fun thing to talk about, but it is so important to realize that satan can put a true hold in my life. He draws me away from the word, makes me dread being around people. He changes my attitude. So I've been praying that I wouldn't fall into his trap, that I would ignore his advances on me.

So those are my thoughts, and my chicken is nearly done. Off to study.
Praying for you all :)

The Fifty Second

I'm going to write right now, otherwise I'm not going to write at all. 

This weekend has been filled with lots of excitement and now I'm tired. I didn't get any homework done, but it was so nice to see my brother and hang out with my family as much as I did. 

Yesterday my roommate put up a quote board and a scripture board, they both look neato. I was excited to put some input on both. Tonight is lifegroup, I hope I can go. Perhaps I will get off of work early, I don't know. The temperature dropped a lot last night and it was quite frigid today while I was walking to all of my classes. Tomorrow I get to be a guinea pig again for another psychology experiment.

Day Three is the cast from your favorite tv show. There are so many choices, but I have decided to chose this one. Parks and recreation is super hilarious. CSI, Bones, Modern Family and Parenthood all come in a close second. I really appreciate great TV, however horrible that may be.

The Fiftieth

It feels so nice to have my big brother home. I missed him like crazy. I wish he could stay longer than he can, but I'm so thankful that he was able to come and visit in the first place. I had a great day today. Mostly because I have barely any homework, which was the exact opposite of last weekend. I bought a new pair of jeans and they are fabulous. I love a good pair of jeans and today I splurged on a pair, mostly because I have like 5 pairs of really worn-in/getting/has holes.

I'm going to eat chocolate because it is so yummy, and I'm going to get back to my running, probably next weekend.

We visited my parents new house today, and the basement which was unfinished last time I saw it, is almost completely done. It's awesome and I'm so happy for them. I'm also happy that there's a couple rooms that I can choose from to be my own next year. I love the colors that they have chosen so far, yellows and lights greens. So fresh and airy.

Day 2 of the 30 day challenge is a picture of the person you've been closest to for the longest time.

My Mom is probably my most favorite person in this world. Sometimes her honesty hurts, but I wouldn't have it any other way. If/when I have children of my own, I would only hope I could love them as much as she loves me and my brothers. She helps me find humor in almost all situations. She keeps me grounded and accountable. I'm so thankful for a mom like her. I can share my thoughts and feelings with her without being insecure about them. She is definitely the person I've been close with for the longest time. I mean, my entire life is pretty long in my perspective.

The Fourty Eighth

So, I've almost made it through my first hard week of school. It feels so good. There's this thirty day challenge thing going on on Facebook and every day for thirty days you post a picture and give a little fun detail about your life. I'm thinking I might do that. Especially since I have nothing super interesting to write about right now. Maybe I'll start it and only do it on the days that I have nothing to write about so it will take longer than 30 days.

The first challenge is to post a picture of yourself and write 15 facts.

1. I love Jesus
2. I'm quite optimistic
3. I paint my toe nails, but not my fingernails
4. I think I could listen to Billie Holiday all day long
5. I love Thanksgiving
6. I'm majoring in Biology and minoring in Chemistry
7. I have two older brothers who I continually learn great things from
8. I sometimes like to study because my introverted self has a reason to be excluded from activites
9. Jodi Picoult is probably my favorite author
10. I sleep with a fan on
11. I like how different my friends are from me because they are always providing new perspectives for me
12. The pillow I sleep on is the pillow my grandma used to sleep on.
13. Almost daily I drink coffee in the morning and a Dr. Pepper in the afternoon as to avoid having to take a nap
14. I work at a Community Mental Health facility and there is almost never a dull moment
15. I love my dog too much.


G2G. (haha)

The Fourty Seventh

I'm trying really hard to study because I have a huge P. Chem exam tonight. I'm super nervous, I'm super stressed. I have 85 thousand things to do before Friday gets here. Luckly, my to-do list is getting smaller as I'm working on my Micro homework right now. Anyway, I honestly don't have the actual time to write right now, but I have to share something.

I have incredible friends. I mean they are unbelievable. Today (and it's not even 3pm) they have blessed me so much. Whether it be friendly facebook messages or a text message that read "Happy Wednesday! Hope you have a great day learning!" they have really lifted my day. I find myself being so independent to the point where I don't like asking for help and I really like to do things for myself. But this week has been incredibly busy, probably my busiest ever. I'm so thankful for their encouragement to me this week, especially when I'm about to fall asleep in class because I didn't get enough sleep the night before.  I'm realizing that I cannot do everything on my own, as much as I love it. I need some dependency, most definitely when times are busy and rough like they have been for me this week.

I'm so blessed and I don't think about it enough.

The Fourty Fifth

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Below is what I wrote exactly three years ago as my thoughts on this day of love.

it is february 14

i think it would be nice to say that Valentine's Day does nothing but make those who are currently of the single status just realize how much they really are single.

take the 500 girls at my school all carrying the cliche teddy bears, roses, balloons...just rubbing it in to all of us that once again we are not in a relationship.

and then there are the guys with absolutely great potential who complain about sitting at home alone on this GLORIOUS day when they could easily go out there get a girl and treat her right.

but that is much like the pot calling the kettle black.

I get to thinking about it and I realize that even if I was in a realtionship I probably stillwould not like this day.
why?
Because I would rather be suprised with roses, suprised with flowers, suprised with little presents than expect them on one insignificant day of the year.

so there it is.
happy february 14th, 2008

-----------------------------

It's so interesting how my thoughts and feelings of Valentine's Day has really changed then. I now appreciate seeing people who love each other. I've realized that a pity party every year does nothing for me. I'm surrounded by people that I love and that love me. Why is it that I have to have a man to love this day? I don't think I should. So this year I'm much less depressed than I have been on past February 14ths.

I had 2 tests today and I feel like I did fairly well on both. I have a quiz tomorrow and another exam on Wednesday. Busy and exciting week. So needless to say that my lack of writing this weekend had nothing to do with the fact that I didn't want to write, it's just that I basically was studying nonstop and if I was going to take a break it was going to be to watch Roseanne or something similar.

I'm wishing KSU much success against KU. I think it is important to note that the past three times KSU played a number 1 team at home they have won. So I'm hoping the tradition will continue. 

Bye.

The Fourty Third

I've been studying all day. I feel like my brain is fried. I then attended a funeral. I feel drained of emotion. And because I had a fabulous night at the Black & White Affair last night, I got little sleep last night. I'm in need of a good night's rest. I'm ready for some rejuvenation. I think I tell you all that I'm tired too often. Sorry I'm not more entertaining.

However, it was good to see my friends this weekend. Sometimes I get really introverted and so used to being around myself and just myself that I kind of dread going to be around other people. I know, that sounds agoraphobic, but I really don't think I am. Once I get there, I end up having a fabulous time, just like I did in all the friend visiting and hanging out I got to do yesterday and today.

 So thankful.

The Fourty First

Hi, sorry I didn't write yesterday. I went to see Tim Wise speak at Forum Hall yesterday. It got me thinking about white privilege, it got me thinking about white working class people and it got me thinking about the republican party. He basically seemed to look down on anything that makes me, me, which made me feel pretty strange staying there giving him my respect of listening to him. I didn't like his speech. Not that there weren't any truths in it, there definitely were. White privilege is so hard to think about for me, because I honestly feel like I'm not riding the coat-tails of whiteness to get to my goals. I feel like I'm doing it for myself, and my skin color has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Also, I think racism has everything to do with the fall, as does any sin and any hatred. I think if all Christians were truly loving to the people around them, regardless of their skin color we would be a much more happier and united America. However, for some reason there are Christians that don't realize that hating someone for any reason, let alone their skin color, is not living like Jesus did. I don't want to be judgmental because I know I have my own struggles, and that may be someone else's struggle. But because I am not racist, I cannot even comprehend what goes through the mind of someone is. It hurts me to think that if I was a black-American, why would people dislike me or treat me differently than white people all due to the fact that I had dark skin, a genetic trait in which I had no choosing?

I wish the world wasn't like that.

The Thirty Ninth

Today has been a long and busy day. Working, school, meeting with friends, making food, and trudging through the snow. Yes, it snowed once more. However, in only 5 short days we are supposed to have a week of 50 degree temperatures. Beautiful.

I've lately been praying for focus. It's so weird, I think this is the very first semester I have noticed how unfocused I can be. It becomes very obvious in my P. Chem class, especially when you get awful grades on a quizzes. It might be the fact that it begins at 8:05 am and every Tuesday and Thursday for the past four weeks it has been almost unbearably cold. Ah. So I'm going to quit complaining.

Speaking of complaining. Today I was reading Psalms (ah, it's funny how me writing in this blog has made me really more motivated to read and think about the Bible) and 55:17 reads "Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice". So sometimes when I have this awful attitude and I'm kind of feeling bummed out on God and all I'm doing is complaining to him, he is listening. Although, if I were Him I would probably be at least a little annoyed.

Tomorrow I give my first speech in my public speaking. I'm not nervous, the only thing I'm nervous about is waking up late (because it is at 8:30am) and not being able to make up my speech. Yuck. I'm going to set two alarms, that way, I'll for sure make it there. I mean, granted we don't get a snow day tomorrow. Although, I doubt we will, since they are probably clearing off all the sidewalks as I type.

Another thing. Since the beginning of the school year me and a couple of my friends have made Sunday Night dinners for our entire campus ministry. It's a lot of fun, although, last semester it was super stressful. I think because it was new to us, we didn't know how to handle the money, or how much food to make, or who to expect would actually come. Money was another issue all together. A couple leaders ended up paying most of the time, because we would ask students to bring money and few would. This semester something great happened, we got parents to fund our dinners and today we figured out they are completely funded!! It's such a weight lifted off of my shoulders, to think that I don't have to worry about money and we can provide a neat ministry to our friends.

P.S. Lifegroups with Ichthus are amazing. The vulnerability that we have is great and the love that is there is so beautiful. Every Monday night my heart grows and learns to new capacities that I didn't even know that I was missing. Well that whole entry was a little scattered, much like my thoughts. This all was probably going through my head as my P. Chem professor was speaking this morning, which is why I need much much more focus.

that's all.

The Thirty Eight

tired. more tomorrow.
much love :)

The Thirty Seventh

Today I was able to surround myself with people who love me and support me and it made me so grateful to have them in my life. It super funny that my feminist post was exactly what my pastor spoke about today at church. I kind of wondered if he read it, but then again I know he didn't. It kind of reaffirmed to me that I'm not crazy, and what I've been breaking down in my mind is truth mostly inspired by the Lord.

Today I wrote my first speech! I give it on Wednesday, and I will definitely share it with you all. I imagine my speech in class will have a lot more to it than my actual written speech, but I think that is how it's supposed to go.

Today I was reading in my Bible and I really was just looking for some encouragement, and I stumbled upon Isaiah and was reading about the greatness of God and I came to this. Isaiah 40:28-31. "...The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and grow weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up on wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

This blog was kind of all over the place, maybe I'll have more clear thoughts tomorrow.

The Thirty Sixth

Hi.
K-state won an away game, finally! whoop

Although, tonight, my heart is hurting. I know in Romans it says to "rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep". But, I feel like my "weeping" times seem to stick out. I feel so much hurt and pain for the family of Greg St. Amand right now, that is it is almost unexplainable. It doesn't seem right that such a young life could be taken away. However, in the song Blessed be Your name it says "Lord, You give and take away." I guess there are times when I forget how much He has given me and see only what He has taken away. That's not fair of me, I think I need to rejoice with those who rejoice more than already I do. It just kind of sucks. I can't think of a better way to say it.

The Thirty Fourth

Wow, an 8 hour work day, plus a 2 hour lab, plus a 2 hour lecture, means I haven't had a lot of free time to consider what I wanted to write today. So I'll write about my brother since it is his birthday. I think the one thing I could describe Bobby as is a free spirit. He can be the most jovial person I know, and other times he needs his space. He likes to inspire people and doesn't need much to be inspired by. He is a goal-setter. This makes me and him much different seeing as how I don't like to set goals. I like to do whatever mostly because I'm an ISTJ (heheh) and I feel as though most goals are obligations are a fact of life and don't really see them as goals.
Bobby cares, but sometimes it comes out as tough love and he doesn't understand soft words. He is always the life of the party at any of our family things, he adds a lot of spunk to scrabble. Bobby is a learner, he sometimes considers giving up on that, but just as soon as he does, something happens where he is forced to learn. I love Bobby because he never didn't love me. That sounds so strange because I'm making it sound super selfish, but Bobby is super loving.
We have definitely had our arguments and disagreements. There have been times I've been so angry that I didn't want to see his face, but that is certainly apart of a brother/sister relationship. I'm glad to say that we have certainly grown out of that, that and the wrestling. Bobby liked to wrestle, and of course, me, his half-sized, little sister, was the perfect opponent. So that is my big brother in all of his glory, who is currently far from home, making his way in the corporate world.

Best Wishes, Bob!

The Thirty Third

So I went back to school today. I was super excited! I don't like to sit around doing nothing for very long. Since one out of my two readers suggested I actually write my feminism post, I think I might do that right now.

I'm taking a Women's Studies class and it is really opening my eyes up to injustice and hatred that goes on toward women. However, a lot of what is said clashes with my traditional Christian views. No, I'm not a monster, I want women to have equal pay in the workplace as men, but there are other issues with which I am struggling. A term I have learned recently is patriarchy, where we have a society that is based around men and their leadership roles within the society. I think we live in one of these and I honestly think it's okay. In my ideas, I see men as being leaders and guiding women. It is not say that women don't have leadership qualities, because they totally do. I think though, that we were all designed for a role in life. Just like not everyone is called to be a doctor, and not everyone is called to be an electrician, not everyone is a man and not everyone is a woman. Because we have been given these different roles, we must follow them to make society to be at it's equilibrium. We wouldn't have heating and air conditioning if everyone was off at medical school. And we wouldn't have doctors if everyone was only taking cooking classes. I think one thing that a lot of feminists don't understand is that we have to embrace the role we were given in life. I think there should be women leaders, because they have different viewpoints than men do. But, I also think that this country should not be ran by entirely women because then we would be ignoring a man's view, and that is equally as important.

This brings me to what I read over the weekend as my assignment for my class. It was an article written by bell hooks (yes, all lowercase!) and in it she suggests that feminists are not truly feminists unless they are pro-choice. Her article was very aggressive, almost to the point that I was offended. I am not pro-choice. I'm completely pro-life. I think everyone should have an opportunity at life and I don't understand why feminists wouldn't want more women in the world to spread their ideas and fight for their rights. I don't understand why to be a feminist I must be okay with taking an innocent life away from someone who never even had a chance. I'm incredibly grateful that my mom chose life for me, otherwise, well otherwise I wouldn't have a blog or any thoughts to share about anything. My heart aches for the women that have seen abortion as their only resort. My heart aches for the lives lost in those operations. Mostly, my heart aches because this world thinks that taking a life away from a child should be a 'right'. Women are special, they were given the ability to carry a child. Half of the world doesn't have that gift. We were chosen by God to be women. We were chosen to love and nurture. Men were chosen by God to be different than that. They are to be providers and protectors. These roles are so essential to the make-up of our society and I think the world is completely missing the mark now-a-days.

Well, that's some of my thoughts. I have more, but they will have to wait. Let me know if you agree or disagree, I would love to learn from you all.

see ya'll.

The Thirty Second

Today is the first day of February and an amazing snow storm has made it's way through Manhattan. Today and yesterday they cancelled classes. This has given me the opportunity to catch up on any studying that I missed over the weekend and write some scholarship essays. I do plan on going to work, it's nice that they always want me to work. I don't really have anything to write about it's so sad.

Wally Judge quite K-State basketball. I think Frank Martin could use an encouraging hug right now. Poor guy isn't having the season that they anticipated.

Anyway, I'm reminded of Alaska winters now. When I lived there they would make us go to recess until it was -20 degrees outside. They condition their kids to accept cold weather as a fact of life. In Kansas everything closes down when it gets cold. I'm okay with that, I'm enjoying my time off. Not enjoying scraping my windows clean every time I need to go anywhere.

bye :)