The year I was a Freshman

I had promised several weeks ago that I would post a reflection of college. College got really busy the last couple of weeks and now I'm finished. I've walked across the stage, received my diploma holder, and then took my last finals (all 5 of them! wow.).

So here it goes. Today I give you freshman year.

The Chicago River

So I was off to Chicago. After a summer of good-byes and high expectations of the windy city I was finally there. In my little dorm room with a student athlete, there I was. My parents took me to Target to get some little things before they left and I broke down. I didn’t realize the loneliness I was going to feel the moment they left. They had literally been there for everything in my life. I thought I was ready to live hours away from home, on my own. After the initial shock of being on my own I eventually made some friends, my roommate was great, our suitemates were great. School was much more difficult than I imagined, but I survived. I came home for fall break and this is when I decided I couldn’t make Chicago my home, simply because it wasn’t my home. During this semester away, my suitemate and I would go to a great church in a great neighborhood in Chicago. We tried to get involved in student ministries, I just never felt like I met a group of people who I could connect with. I often regret that I didn’t stay longer, but then I look at the Wells Fargo student loan statement that they send me every year and decide it was probably a good idea to not go to a private school all four years of college. After this semester I realize God totally sent me to Chicago for his purpose. The amount I learned from him in these 14 weeks was incredible. He taught me what full trusting in him looked like. One day, being so broke and feeling like I couldn’t ask mom and dad for any more money, I happened to win a contest that I didn’t know I entered and won 100 dollars. This was just enough to get me through the rest of the semester, buying Christmas presents for my family too.  Even though I was making friends, I was so depressed at Loyola. I remember crying through my biology class one day, because I just wanted to be home.  At this point in my walk I wasn’t journaling, so I really can’t remember what I was saying to God, but I imagine it was like “Lord, PLEASE help me get through these next weeks without dying.” I was a dramatic little freshman. I managed to make it and return home for my next semester.

Some Friends

Sweet Puppy Violet

Returning home was so hard. I didn’t think it would be, but my close friends were gone. I was living with my parents, so it made it difficult to make friends. I almost regretted coming home and going to KSU. I thought KSU, being a state school, was going to be easy. No, it was actually much more difficult than I imagined. In February of my freshman year I learned some shocking news about my family and again I spent most of this semester crying out to God. I asked for healing, restoration, strengthening and all of that He gave and He gave fully. My faith shook due to a certain biology class that I was taking. My professor made fun of Christians daily. All of this craziness and difficulty had taken a toll and I had no idea what to do with myself. So I secluded myself, drowning myself in TV shows. Eventually one night, one of my friends invited me to a campus ministry that I had never heard of. There I saw another friend who invited me to a Freshman lifegroup. I was TERRIFIED to go. I was so shy and all these kids from Johnson County were freaking me out. But I went and I made myself keep going. It was here that I met Ms. Mary Beth Gromer, who would later be my roommate. This was also the time that we got Violet. Our sweet little Mini Schnauzer who loves to be loved. It’s crazy how full my heart feels when she cuddles with me. I’m a nut-case. 

Acadia National Park

So in the middle of the spring semester I found an opportunity on Facebook to go to Maine for the summer through Campus Crusade. I said to myself, “Anyway to get away from this madhouse and take a walk in one of the most beautiful places in America? I’m there.” So after talking to my parents and fundraising, I got on a plane to Bangor, Maine. It was gorgeous. The people that I met there, the vulnerability that we shared, the thoughts that I refused to encounter at home, made this experience incredibly unique. God taught me true forgiveness, which is something that I had never learned. God taught me that I am my own person and that sometimes it is okay to say No. God also taught me that I need to listen, that my relationship with him was quite one-sided at the time and that HE was also apart of the relationship too. These valuable lessons I took home with me, and my walk and relationship with the Lord was dramatically changed. I found a journal from that trip. I didn’t write much, I was still figuring that one out… I’m still figuring that one out. After reading through it I’m amazed at how I’ve grown, how my bouts of disbelief are no longer what they used to be. “It’s very humbling to stand in God’s creation… so then why is it so hard to listen and feel guided?” My simple thoughts have now become more complex than that. I see my trust in him as grown tremendously since then. My heart for him has grown tremendously since then. Just now I am seeing fruit.

My job wasn't too busy, so played
silly computer games mostly.

As the summer rolled on I knew that I could no longer be living on my parent’s money, I mean I was already living in their home. So I searched for a job. ALL summer long I searched for a job. At the beginning of August I was called in for an interview at Pawnee Mental Health Services.  Starting this job was difficult for me. It called me to be loving to those who were so different than me. Not only did the job call me to do that, but God called me to do that. Oh, what I learned from this job. I’ll try to share. I learned how to not be afraid of speaking to people on the phone. I learned that love has no bounds. I learned of the demons that people face and live with daily. I learned that sometimes all we need to do is look a person in the eye. It also taught me to be tough and have a little backbone, how easy it is to get manipulated. I could name so many more. This job touched me beyond what I ever thought it could. It was difficult to have people spill their hearts out to me over the phone because they felt no one else would listen. It was difficult for me to see the HELP line go off and realize that someone is legitimately thinking of ending their life in that moment. It was difficult for me to see the violence that people suffered and were willing to dispense if threatened. I worked here for two and a half years and my heart softened and hardened at an incredible rate. This job had a flexible work schedule, but it meant that I had to work Monday through Thursday evenings. This means that I almost always missed Ichthus and was unable to join many student activities. 

There will be more I promise. I know... I left you all with a huge cliff hanger! haha.

College

For my few readers I am preparing a reflection of college. I have been thinking about doing this for about 2 months. I began writing it on Thanksgiving and it's going to be good. I'm really excited for it, mostly because after reading through what I've wrote about Freshman year I noticed two things, one is that I've matured incredibly, two is that my relationship with the Lord is much stronger now than it was then. So get ready. I'm thinking I'll release installments, that way it's easier to read instead of 8 pages of my babbling.

Ok, happy Christmas season to you!

2016

Yesterday I told my dad "I hate America." Quite literally everything I voted for did not win. It was really discouraging. Do I really have a voice at all? Just because my voice didn't match the majority or the electoral college it doesn't really matter. I'm feeling a little discouraged at the executive level and at the local/state level. My city passed a 0.5% increase sales tax to improve roads and infrastructure among other things. 5 months from now I predict the citizens of Manhattan will be complaining about how roads that aren't that damaged are being repaired and we have to drive through construction.

I remember in 2008 after Obama won the first time I called my mother from the city of Chicago and I was literally crying for America. I told my mom 4 years from now there won't be any jobs and we will have made enemies with our allies. And, well, my predictions were correct. So I've decided to list my predictions for 2016.

• Gas- when Obama was elected we were paying less that 2 dollars a gallon for gas. Today we are pressing 4 dollars a gallon. In 4 years I believe we will be paying close to 8 dollars a gallon.
• Foreign policy- no two countries have ever settled the amount of debt that we owe to China peacefully. If we haven't already faced the threat of China's nuclear weapons, we will be sending military to China to prevent this.
• Health Care- Hopefully by this time I will have graduated from PA school. I will certainly have a job as PAs are a great and affordable way to provide healthcare for all. However, my patients will not be getting what they need or want in a timely manner. I will be filling out paperwork beyond paperwork and imagine being on the phone with machines for hours advocating for my patients.
• Jobs- While I have a job, I worry for the jobs of people like my brother Brian who work in manufacturing. Over the course of his 1st presidency a lot of blue collar jobs have been outsourced because it is not profitable to buy healthcare, provide income and goods for people in our own country.
• Taxes- While I'm not in a large tax bracket right now, I see the effects of taxes on people like my parents, both U.S. army veterans. They are in no means "rich" in the american standard. However, every year they pay a little more of their hard earned money to the government because every year more social programs are added and more debt is created. What if Americans didn't have to pay taxes? What if we were able to use our money and support our own socially supported foundations that we believed in? Is that even a possible mission for Americans, who are mostly greedy and enjoy their savings accounts too much?

While I, in all honesty, don't know much about politics I'm aware enough to know that no ONE man will ever fix this country. I know that one election will not determine the fate of the world. If I had to complain about one thing, it would be that I didn't vote in the primaries for my local government. I knew so much about the presidential candidates, who very rarely make changes that effect me directly, and I didn't know a lot about my own local/state candidates who, everyday, are making decisions that effect me directly.

One thing that Mitt Romney talked about that if he was made president he would end the pornography industry. Can I just tell you how pleased that made me? Pornography destroys families, makes women into objects of sex to only fulfill a twisted desire. It contributes to sex-trafficking, which is, disgustingly, the 3rd largest industry in the world. Lives are broken and lost due to pornography and sex-trafficking and this presidential candidate promised to break into that and create legislation to conquer that brokenness. He made it through his presidential campaign without caffeine, that alone should have won him america's heart. 

So my reflection on the election (haha):

Why am I shocked that American/Kansas/Manhattan didn't feel exactly the way I did? We're all different people with usually respectable opinions. I just had hoped for a new start for my country, one where my president was less concerned about his groove-thing on the Ellen Show or Oprah and more concerned about the family model, our international allies and the vitality of American people.

Realness

I just want to take a moment to inhale the sweetness of our Lord. I want others who don't believe to understand how hard it is to believe sometimes. I battle everyday with demons and sin and immorality. However, I'm not battling alone. I have a partner, a leader, someone who gives me strength, someone who demands respect, someone who comforts me, gives me rests and advocates for me. My Lord is more of a fighter than I will ever be.

Reading today's "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers I get it. I get that faith is hard and that the exact point of faith. Faith is ever struggling to produce more faith.
"Faith always works in a personal way, because the purpose of God is to see that perfect faith is made real in His children...The life of faith says, "Lord, You have said it, it appears to be irrational, but I'm going to step out boldly, trusting in Your word."... Turning intellectual faith into personal possession is ALWAYS a fight, not just sometimes... the nature of faith is to make the object of our faith very real to us."

I have to say God is very real to me. I cannot even begin to describe the blessings that He gives to me everyday. This just makes me want to serve him more. I think of this as loving my parents. I love them, and by serving them, and respecting them I show them my love. I often struggle with this, as does anyone who is turning 23 in a couple days and is still living with their parents would. My temper flares easily among the people I love, and I hate it. I hate not giving them everything that is good in me. I hate that I cannot fully and continually show the love that I feel for them. So for God. I just I want to give him all of me. He understands my good and bad, but I hope to follow him more and truly and fully offer him all of me so that each day I will be made more in his likeness.

In two days I officially turn 23. Every birthday I look back at the years that have followed and see all the things that I have not done. It really makes my birthday almost something that I dread, because it makes my inadequacies and unsuccessfulness quite real. I know that I'm still young and even though my head is spotted with grey hairs I still have plenty of life to live. I just desire to have a birthday that I can look at the life that I've lived so far and be fulfilled.

salt of the earth, light of the world

I have found most recently that my heart is often in spiritual bliss. That sweet revelations are whispered into my ears. That His wisdom and knowledge meet my ignorance and selfishness. I have found that my soul is so quickly filled with joy and then so suddenly saddened by my physical reality. It's as if I'm in a trance, like I'm living in some sort of fantasy where sin and foolishness do not exist. And then it's as if the hypnotist snaps his fingers and says "open your eyes" that I'm reminded of this imperfect world, the inconsistencies, and the dirtiness. Salt of the earth, light of the world, salt of the earth, light of the world, salt of the earth, light of the world is all I can tell myself to keep me from being held hostage in this overwhelming dangerous darkness.

Sweet Day Off

Well, as the title of this blog post suggests, I had the day off today.

Here's what I did:

First, I went to the dentist and had my teeth cleaned. I successfully passed the "have you been flossing" test with almost flying colors, gotta work on my back bottom teeth better. This may sound weird, but I take a lot of value in how well the dentist says my teeth look. I'm psychotic. Anyway, I took the mandatory parting gift of a toothbrush, dental floss and a small tube of tooth paste. 

I then went to clean a house that I sometimes clean because that person is too busy to clean it themselves. It wasn't as dirty as it had been in the past, but I definitely wore my cleaning gloves.

After that I came home and ate a quick lunch and headed over to my neighbors house to play with their dog, Betty. I'm housesitting for them and I feel bad that Betty spends a lot of time alone so I try to play with her, but I get tired easily.

I then came home to find Violet sleeping in her bed like this. 

So precious.

I started some delicious bread in the bread maker.

I made started a pot roast this morning and this is it about half-way done. I hope it's good. The beef stock that I poured in was a little questionable so I hope that doesn't affect the taste.

I then started working on note cards of Bible verses that I love. It was suggested to me, through a book study group that I've been attending that this is a great way to get daily encouragement. Write the verse on the front, write how you fit into it on the back.

One of the verses I put down:

"On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:
      "Fear not, O Zion, Let not your hands grow weak. The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice with gladness; He will quiet you by his love; He will exult over you with loud singing."
           Zephaniah 3:16-17


AHHH. I LOVE THIS. He is here and he will be here to save us. And not only cannot I not wait for this moment, HE cannot wait for this moment. Gladness, Love, Singing reminds me of one great party. An unforgettable moment that I wish to relive. This verse just stunned me. It's so beautiful and I'm so excited now.

I promised that my next blog would have some Jesus stuff in it. So it will.

Over the entire Spring semester I was kind of angry at God. I mean I loved him, but I was pretty irritated. Like when your mom, who gave birth to you and is one of your greatest friends, shrinks your favorite sweater. I still love her, but shoot, am I mad. I was mad because I didn't have a good "story". My life hasn't been filled with dramatic heartbreak, disaster or sickness. How am I supposed to resonate with people if I've never experienced true tragedy, God?!? Really, what I was saying was: Gee, God Thanks so much for making my life so wonderful... In a sarcastic voice. How dare I, right? Well. The answer came to me the other night and that answer is: my parents. While, my parents were new believers when they had me, they constantly heard sermons on the fact that they MUST be praying for their children. So they did just that. They prayed for me and God has truly, truly provided for me. He has given me the supreme love and given me anything I have ever needed and wanted.

The other weekend I went to a "college" party. I hated it. I'm not fun there. I don't like to drink. I don't like to drive after I have drank even just a little. And I really don't like the company that shows up to those sorts of things.  While there, I realized how quickly and easily things can spiral out of control. So I forced myself to leave and not be there. After leaving, I was once again frustrated with the world, sick with sinfulness, tired of being here, wishing at some point that I could just be free of my inhibitions. Looking back on that, I really do love that. I love it because I am so tuned in and aware of the fact that I'm not of this world and my life is fleeting. My inhibitions are not only am I scared of those things, but that I serve a God. A creator of this huge earth and he has spoken life into me and that I am supposed to HATE earthly and secular rituals. There is a greater purpose to be served drinking, partying and destructive habits are not apart of it.

About a week and a half ago my great aunt died. She has basically had some form of cancer for my entire life. What a fighter. She recently moved from Reno, NV to Boise, ID and in the process caught pneumonia. While, I'm not so connected with my extended family, this woman was a huge support to my dad for his entire life. I knew that he was nervous when getting ready to head to Idaho for the week as the relationships within his family are severely hurt due to lies, secrets and such. In fact, my dad and his father have not talked in a number of years because of all this hurt. I knew immediately that My God can heal this. He can make it right. My mom and I and my church community started praying for healing, reconciliation, humbling, conviction, ANYTHING. and you know what? it happened. My dad and his dad (I guess my grandfather, but I've never really met him and I think grandfather implies I know him and have a relationship with him) hugged and spoke and made amends. How beautiful and perfect. Wow.

That's it for now. I must go check the roast.

Brooke

Summer Recap

I kind of just want to start from the beginning of summer. It's not going to be that exciting because I usually spend about 40 hours a week in a fluorescent-light filled building. Somethings have been fun though. I think it might make this a picture recap!

Right before school ended I BOLDLY cut my hair. I'm not one for drastic changes, so naturally my hairdresser had to convince me to allow her to cut 7-8 inches of hair off my head.

Before:

After:

I guess it's grown a little since then. Which is nice, I want to one day be able to put it in a ponytail again. I guess this was a big deal to me just because I have such a big mouth and tell everyone pretty much everything I'm thinking and I didn't tell anyone about this. So I got to shock all of my friends. I got the idea from Kate.


After that happened, it was graduation weekend and lots of my buddies graduated so I was able to go to their parties and bid them farewell.
Here is Colleen and I. I met this great girl when I was a freshman in high school. We were in the same biology class, we dissected the same frog and I just loved her sense of humor. Colleen is someone I can be so honest with and I'm so grateful for our friendship. I'll miss her when she moves off to Wichita, but who knows...maybe I'll be living there next summer.

Then Brian graduated! The picture is of Brian and Soo making silly faces at one (yes, Brian had more than one, he deserved it though) of Brian's graduation party. I first met Brian, I think as a Sophomore in high school. He was dating one of my best buddies. When I transferred to KSU I saw him at Ichthus and he got me involved in the small group he was leading. Brian is super smart, wise and laid-back.  Also, just like Colleen I'm always thankful for Brian's sense of humor. It's much different than most people you meet! He's off to Arkansas. Who knows...maybe I'll be living in that state next summer too?! I'll go where ever I can get in to PA school.

Then Mary Beth graduated. What a fun roommate, mentor and seeker of Jesus. I've always been thankful for this girl's desire to be a disciple and to teach others how to be a disciple. Her love for the Lord is beautiful. She'll be in KC next year. I won't be there, there aren't any PA schools there. 

I finally went to Manhattan Hill and took in the lush Kansas view. It's been so hot this summer. I'm becoming quite acclimated to 100+ degree temperatures. I can't wait to wear long jeans again, I just love jeans.

My friend Mary and I stopped by a little house concert at a house hidden in Westmoreland, KS. They used world maps as curtains.

I've definitely been enjoying the sunsets this summer since I don't work in the evenings.

Kristin came and lived with my parents and I this summer. We got to hang out with Soo a lot. Kristin is such a great friend and I was super thankful to have her here for part of the summer.

This frog decided to live on my porch for a while.

Rebecca Doll came to town. I love visiting with this girl. She has such a desire for knowledge. Her kindness is so sweet. We went to The Flint Hills Discovery Museum and really enjoyed the giant elevator they had there, oh, and all the info about the prairie was cool too.

Hanging out with Soo a ton this summer. I love that we have been able to teach each other so much while she's been here. I'm trying to figure out a way to go visit her on my semester off when she returns to Korea.

Trying new drinks this summer. I also had a decent outfit on, so I had to share this photo.

I tried to make garlic bread in the toaster. It ended up just burning the one side of the bread. :(

We're trying to be more eco-friendly! This day my mom and I were able to use all of the bags we brought and no plastic bags were used for our groceries (except for wrapping up fresh fruit and veggies). This is kind of a big deal for my mom. The way she sees it, she has another 40 years max, and if we're up to our eyeballs in our used plastic products it won't matter to her. Still love her

I tried to make Sweet Potato Fries.

They looked so good.

They tasted so bad

and if I hadn't burnt these sweet rolls, they would have been really good.

So let's say my summer cooking expeditions haven't been going so well, but there's lots of time to practice.

I'll have a Jesus update next time. I type all day at work, and all this typing just now has me worn out.

Seeeee ya!

Summer is half way over!

I've been really bad about writing this summer.

My job at the orthopaedics clinic is going well. There are days I like it, there are days I don't mind it, there are days when I wish I had an easier job. I love most of the people I work with, but, as with any work place, there are a few people who I wouldn't miss if they weren't working there.

Training was very difficult for me. I trained for over 6 weeks, side-by-side with another CNA and by the end of the 3rd week I didn't want her help any longer and I didn't want her telling me what to do any longer. I was definitely sick of her. I kind of remember a turning point where we got pretty busy and we had to be in separate rooms pretty much all day and from that day forward I knew I could do it on my own.

It does suck that every day I mess up something, or I have someone tell me I did something wrong or like today when a doctor stops me in the hallway and tells me not to use the word bicep with shoulder pain... in front of all my fellow CNAs. I keep reminding myself that I will eventually get it all together, but it would be nicer if that happened sooner.

This summer I've been spending lots of time with my sweet Korean friend, Soo. We read the bible together, we eat ice cream together, we go to bbq's together...pretty much all of my favorite things to do. She's so great and I'm so excited to have met her and I'm pretty sad that she's going back to Korea in December.

Oh Yes. December. I'm graduating!! It's really weird to think that in 5 short months my undergraduate degree will be complete and now I just wait to hear back from PA schools. It's definitely going to be pretty weird hanging around Manhattan for the spring semester and not going to school, but the break will be welcomed.

I have much more to say and lots of pictures of projects to share, but I wake up really early in the morning for this job of mine so it's almost 10:30 which means I'm quite tired.

Things I learned from working in a Nursing Home

Well, from the last time. I was offered an accepted a job as a CNA at Meadowlark Hills. The day after I did that I was offered an interview at the orthopedic sports medicine center. I waited from about a week and a half for the interview a couple days later I was offered and accepted the job. I'm very excited for it. I start on Thursday. I can't wait to learn everything there. This means I had to give my boss of two weeks at Meadowlark my two weeks notice. It was awkward. Mostly because I'm not used to letting people down to do something good for myself. It was definitely selfish and I hate selfish. So yesterday happened to be my last day and now I'm going to reflect on my 3 week stint as a CNA at a nursing home.

1. Life sometimes doesn't end so easy. Some people we needed to use mechanical lifts to just get them out of bed into their wheel chairs. I can't imagine having lived a good life and reach the near end and to be living off of machines to move around because I'm not mobile.

2. Touch is good. I'm not a touchy person. I have never really been. But, a lot of time the elderly just needs a warm hand to hold or a nice pat on the back. This usually makes them a lot more responsive to me, which is really great.

3. Everyone poops. I'm not ashamed of this with my family, but with anyone else I'm extremely uncomfortable with bathroom humor. I'm very excited not to be working with "BM" (bowel movements) any longer. I guess I can say I'm a little bit more advanced in my poop knowledge now.

4. We all need love. One night a 100 year old women told me I needed to find a man because I wasn't getting any younger. As if I needed this reminder. But she shared with me that she was married at the age of 18 and now her son from this marriage is in his 80s and hasn't been doing well because of a stroke he suffered. He stays at another facility, but she misses him terribly. She loves her great-grand babies and she's constantly talking about them. She talked about how she would love more visitors, like the other residents get.

5. Death is inevitable. This is not to say that I didn't know this before I started there, but one of or residents did die while I was there. Life is so fleeting before you're constrained by your debilitating sickness

6. Sometimes you have to be spoon fed.  I guess it's okay. It makes things easier, but sometimes it's not the best for you.

7. If you have the ability to do something, don't tell yourself that you don't. I'm not a person who is really needy and I want to be this way when I get to be elderly. I want to never let myself be defeated by thoughts that don't build me up.


That's about it. It was a really unique experience, I didn't enjoy it, but sometimes learning good things isn't fun.

Fools Day

Happy April 1. Happy Palm Sunday

I've been doing just a small about of studying and lots of praying today. More than usual, and my usual is not enough. It is incredible how free my soul feels right now. The peace that God can bring... wow. I can't even describe it. I'm not making any major life decisions or having any sort of tragedy in my life, either. This means great things for me, because I especially lean on God in those moments and once I get through it I depend less on Him. So I spent much more time praying today, listening to the prayers of others, listening to God.

I constantly ask Him to make my heart and mind purer and my attitude better. He definitely just made me see how I can do that and I will most definitely need His help, but I'm so glad to have a great counselor to guide me.

Since March 11, which was the last time I wrote I've applied at several places around Manhattan as a CNA and last Monday I had an interview at Meadowlark Hills. This is probably the largest retirement home/ long term care facility in Manhattan. I desperately didn't want to do this, I wanted to be in a physician's office seeing all the cool things that they deal with every day. I was worried that I didn't interview well, and this was really my last hope for a job in Manhattan. I had advised a back up plan to move and work in Wichita this summer because I didn't feel this working out. Well, friday evening I got a call to come in for a second interview. I can't say I'm really that excited, but I've really be praying lately  that I would be obedient to God's calling for me. "If you say go, go." sort of thing. I don't think I have to feel excited, but I must be willing to serve where I am. So if Meadowlark Hills is where God wants me, that's where I'll be, trying do my very best work for Him.

Also, Frank Martin left KSU and they hired Bruce Weber. I don't really have an opinion, lots of people are saying that Frank leaving KSU was not really what the media said it was and lots of people are upset with the hire of Bruce Weber. Just like we gave Frank the chance, this guy totally deserves a chance too. That's all I have to say about that.

So my mission until... well, until forever is "Less of me, more of Him."

Time

I don't really have time to write, but I have so many thoughts in my head because I haven't had the time to write. I figure, it wouldn't hurt to take 10 minutes to get these down, not on paper, but on internet?? that doesn't make any sense, but I'll go with it.

The other day I was at the doctor's office, because I had to get some medication refilled and they told me I had to come in (which, my doctor thought was crazy when I told her that). I over heard a conversation going on between two women, but so did everyone else because they were talking so loud in the waiting room. They talked about about K-State students were wild party-ers, how they had no respect for the older generation, how they were all attached to their cell phone and caused lots of car accidents that way. They also both mentioned that they were from out of town because the medical offices in their towns only had PAs at the most. I feel like they were trying to push my buttons, because I'm a K-State student, soon-to-be PA (hopefully) and they had just spent 15 minutes talking about how both of those were no good. I wanted to join their conversation, kind of show them that the world isn't filled with rude young people and PAs who can't take care of their patients... but I didn't.

From that experience and having thought about it a lot since then I've realized how much of my life is filled with fear and insecurity. Things like not speaking up, things like looking to the future and feeling so much uncertainty, things like being good enough, things like not really having a ton of friends.

Well, then I ran across a blog that I've slowly been going through Scare Yourself and while this man's version of scaring himself is much unlike my version of scaring myself, I've realized that pretty much everyone lives in fear. Is it because we love routine? we hate rejection? While, I'm not scaring myself everyday I'm putting an honest effort into making myself really uncomfortable. For me this is doing things alone with people I only sorta know. It also means speaking up when I need to. It means faking confidence when placed in front of large groups of people. and every time I've made myself uncomfortable, the uneasiness quickly fades and an accomplished feeling comes quickly. I feel like this makes me appreciate people and life more.

I finished reading the Bible, the whole thing. And to be completely honest with my 1 maybe 2 readers... I haven't picked it up since. I apparently love structure. So, there it is I need to find structure so that I'm constantly reading and learning the word. I never put-off anything, but this is something I've been putting off.

I'm still looking for a job. I've put in quite a few resumes, but haven't been contacted. I think, maybe, possibly, hopefully, the places I've applied to are waiting for Kansas Dep't of Health to say that I passed my certification test. I'm hoping that's the case. All in all, I'm waiting on God.

I have more thoughts, but I also have an ecology test tomorrow. So that wins.

Trust and Love

I love spending time looking at flickr. It's so funny how we love beauty. Well, it's not really, but it is so interesting that we seek beauty and find pleasure in being in beauty. I believe this picture was taken in Brazil. How neat to be able to travel the planet and stare into creation somewhere but here. Knowing that there is so much more beauty out there than just beautiful Kansas and beautiful America makes me want to see it all.

As far as looking for a job goes I have really left it up in the hands of God. I'm not one to do this, I love control and instant gratification so this is a little scary for me. I know that I'm a small part in His big plan, that He has better ideas for me than I have for myself. I have proof. Monday I received a call from Mercy wanting to know if I wanted to volunteer on the oncology floor. They only offered me times that I didn't have class. I had forgotten that in August I told them to give me a call if they ever had something come open. Yes August was when I said that. They didn't call last semester while I was taking human body and overwhelmed by it. They didn't call during winter break when I was taking a much much needed rest for 4 weeks. They didn't call in January when I was taking my CNA class and didn't really have time. They called right when I needed them to call. I know getting into PA school is in God's hands anyway, so getting a job, which would be supplemental to me getting in, is also in His hands. Seriously, who would love me that much?!?

Valentine's Day was great. I got to spend it with great friends and played games celebrating the fact that although we are all single we still have the greatest love of all, Jesus. I love that Valentine's day is a day to recognize the love in your life. I realize people use it to spoil their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, but really reflecting on true love made me see how lucky I am to know God.

My heart and mind have been recently really challenged with the way I live. I remember Jan. 1 saying that this year was going to be a different year and I knew that God is working something big. He is. My idea of living/loving/giving is totally evolving and I'm becoming uncomfortable with my currently comfortable lifestyle. I don't know what this means and my mind is still learning, so I don't know. I've been convicted recently about feeling like a passion-less person. So perhaps that is it, perhaps I need to start advocating for someone else other than myself. I'm trying to figure it out and I know God will show it to me when my heart is ready.

I had my first biology exams this week. The ecology one I got a 98% on. This is probably the hardest thing for me to learn, especially since I sleep through most of the class, so I was super proud. In college I started praying that God would help me out on exams. Each semester my prayer changes a little. While I'm studying for exams I pray that God would give me focus and attention. The day before the exam I pray that God would let me see anything that I may have disregarded that is super important. The hour before the exam I ask God to infiltrate my intuition and remind me to follow my gut, allow me to remember everything we'd prepared for. And there. 98%. amazing.


As usual, life is going quite well. We've been sharing our testimonies in 2:42's and I'm trying to figure out if I actually have one.

Some Ecological Maxims

Today I had one class, Ecology. This is the class that I continually fall asleep in, I find no interest in it. Since I am a Biology major, I have to have a well rounded view of biology (ksu thinks so, at least) so that is why I have to take ecology. So one the very first day of class we talked about some ecological maxims and I thought they were very interesting.

1.You can never do just one thing.
2. Everything goes somewhere.
3. No population can increase forever
4. There is no free lunch.
5. Evolution matters.
6. Time Matters.
7. Space Matters.
8. Life would be impossible without species interactions.

While most scientists would not look at this list and say, "Wow, that's super spiritual!", this scientist is saying just that. Here's my explanation

1. You can never do one thing- everything I do has a cause an effect action. If I try to live like Jesus, this cause and effect reaction will do more of His work on earth.
2. Everything goes somewhere- hello heaven and hell
3.No population can increase forever- The vision of Revelations will be fulfilled and Jesus is coming back!!
4.There is no free lunch- Everything costs something. My life and salvation was at the cost of Jesus dying on the cross.
5. Evolution matters- Humans are changing; life is changing.
6.Time Matters- Jesus took every opportunity he had to learn, teach, heal and love. I want to do exactly the same.
7. Space Matters- I'm not sure I can quite relate this one right now.
8. Life would be impossible without species interactions- there are animals on earth for our enjoyment, there are plants on earth that fill our bellies all of which were created by God to serve a human purpose.


Well I wanted this to be deeper but I only gave myself 5 minutes to write that. So that wasn't too smart. what I found amazing is that even scientists think that the human population will eventually decline. yes. it. will.

Ten days since last time

Hello again.

I got out of class at 10:45am today and since I've had no pressing homework/school work issues to take care of I've basically been recuperating from last weekend, organizing, reading, a nice quiet cool afternoon.

My CNA class is almost over! and I've already applied at one doctor's office. I want a job, like pronto. I hate not working (although, this afternoon sure has been nice). My first night "on the courts" as they call it at the long term care facility that I have my clinicals at was not anything I was impressed with. The CNA and CMA were dramatic, didn't like their jobs, didn't like the act of service, didn't take good care of their residents. It made me really sad and kind of sickened with the thought that one day (a long long time from now) I could be one of those residents with crazy twenty year old girls taking "care" of me. I was really shocked by the experience.
Last night I had another clinical and I went in with the mentality of let's just get this over with. The first hour and a half we talked as a class. Then I was with another CNA on a different court. This CNA was like a gazillion times better than the other one. She was kind and loving towards her residents and she didn't mind teaching me things. The residents loved her and she really did have an attitude of service. I was grateful for her.
The difference between these two CNAs, I think, was where their lives were taking them. The first one was going to school to become a history teacher and had gotten her CNA in high school because her mom made her. The other one is a pre-nursing student and she really had a completely different attitude. It was like a completely different experience. Just makes me see how the people I work with really determine the mood and atmosphere of a place.

Last weekend was the Ichthus women's retreat. This is why I'm recovering in the middle of the week from the weekend. We stayed up late, woke up early and had so much spiritual talk that my head, heart, and soul were full and tired. I wouldn't say that this weekend was a "spiritual high" for me. Although, I would say that I can say that comparing my heart from this women's retreat to the one I went to two years ago, I would say that I have matured so much and God has done a lot of good work in my life. We talked about conflict management, and that was one thing I think I could really use some work on. I want my mind and thoughts to so badly glorify the Lord and sometimes (most times) that doesn't happen. It was great to learn how our speaker dealt with the conflict in her life. I was amazed by the power of prayer and God's voice. I realized I need to spend more time talking and listening to God and less time feeding myself mindless time-consuming crap. I also began to see how I am part of the older ichthus crowd now. While, there were a lot of girls around my age there I was on the extremities of old age!! That feels so weird. It's nice to know that I will be graduating soon and I get to enter a new phase in my life and I've already gotten to learn some of the things that the younger girls there are just now learning. I guess age does have some benefit... haha.

Well there's a small update y'all.

Saturday

Hi Friends.

Yesterday I was talking with a friend and I asked her, "Do I come off as intimidating?" I thought the answer would be so clear. "No." but it wasn't. The answer was kind, because she's a kind girl. She said to me "you have a clear plan, you know where you want to go, and you're very matter-of-fact." I love her, because I wouldn't accept this answer from anyone else. I think that was the christian way of saying i'm a little (for lack of a better word) "bitchy". Ah, yes. I used that word, I hate that word. I don't want to be perceived that way. I prayed that God would soften my heart, make me realize that I can be like that, refine me. Then it kind of came to me that people are going to view me whatever way they feel like, even if I do become more refined. I shouldn't care about how I come off, however I think that keeps me from making friends. I believe I know where I'm going because God has told me where I'm going, I believe I'm very matter-of-fact because that's how I think. I don't appreciate people who beat around the bush, I appreciate truth, honesty and love.

Please understand, I'm not making excuses for myself. I know I'm rough around the edges. I know there are things I think, things I say, things I do that aren't for God. When my friend told me that I can probably be seen that way I realized that I will forever be a work in progress. If one person says that about me, it doesn't speak for everyone.
It typically does take me a while to warm up to someone, I know this about me. It truly is about me, not them, I'm mostly intimidated by every new person I meet. I'm a die-hard introvert and meeting people can be a scary anxious situation for me.
I even saw this in myself on the first day of CNA clinicals everyone called me quiet. I'm not quiet, I'm an observer. I love to take it all in and then decide for myself if it is worth investing in. The second day of class I was much more open, talkative. I don't know why I'm like this...but I am. CNA clinicals are going well. They aren't too bad and we have 10 of 45 hours already completed. Tomorrow is an 8hr day...yikes.

Classes are going well. I'm currently taking medical ethics, human parasitology, intro to stats, and ecology. I have more on those, but I will talk about those later.

Have a lovely evening. If I could see the sunset every night, I would be one happy girl. I love exploring flickr.com, which is where I found this beauty.

2012 so far

Well friends, school starts Tuesday and, as usual, I'm very excited. I love new starts, new teachers, new material. I'm ready for 12 credit hours (a real 12 credit hours, not a semester with Human body 12 credit hours). I feel rejuvenated, refreshed, relaxed, and quite joyful.

Friday was my last day at Pawnee. I was so blessed, everyone stopped by and wished me good luck and success. My immediate co-workers bought me beautiful tulips, balloons, and a delicious cupcake. It was hard to leave after I realized how many people seemed to like me there. I guess I didn't know it. I guess I didn't think I was a super integral part in that company. I came home with my heart overflowing, but saddened. It felt empty. I no longer have that commitment, I no longer have "co-workers". I'm so so happy to be moving into a new phase, past the receptionist job, but I'm sad to leave it. Who knows, maybe after I become a certified PA I could end back up at Pawnee. How strange, working with the support staff for 2.5 years, and 4 years later working with the med staff. I've reflected a lot this weekend on how I've changed and how Pawnee has changed me since I started there. I know God wanted me there, otherwise I would not have stuck around for so long. Treating needy people with love was all I could really do to help there. I wasn't that important, I wasn't always in my cheerful mood, but I know God used me there. I can't wait to see where I end up next.

I started my CNA class last monday. It's not too difficult at all, at least not the book work. Monday I'll begin clinicals. I'm nervous for those, but I've been nervous for things before and they always turn out alright.

I'm very excited because I've finally made enough money to pay off my car! I'm so excited to be lessen the burden of loans. If I had a choice, I wouldn't take out loans. I'm very grateful that God has given me the ability to be a good steward with my/his money and always always responsible of it.

So I finished reading Revelation, and now I'm listening to Pastor Mark Driscoll's sermon series on it and it is so eye opening and so refreshing. I love his straight, to the point, convicting way of speaking. Let's just say, he is not afraid of calling people out in a Godly, rebuking, way. He's a great speaker and teacher.

That's all I really have to say.
BYE now.

2012

Well.
Here we are.

One year later and I didn't write as much as wanted, but it was a whole heck of a lot more than I thought I was going to. I think last year was filled with disappointment, wonder, growing up, laughter and joy.

Last night, at New Year's Eve. celebration I was just completely disgusted with my culture. I don't even want to claim the American culture as mine. We drink too much, we eat too much, we spend too much, we are immoral and don't even realize it because we've been blinded by our culture into thinking things are "normal". This morning I woke up from a very rough sleep and it was the first time I'd ever woke up thinking "satan is winning." I hated that thought, I hated how I felt all morning. I prayed and talked with God as I was getting ready for the day and I just really wanted to hear Hosanna by Hillsong on my ipod. I always have my ipod on shuffle as I'm getting ready and I was listening to Pitbull, I was thinking that his songs represent everything I hate right now. Amazingly out the 1700 songs on my ipod, the next song to play on shuffle was Hosanna. It broke me. In that moment I knew that God heard me and was sending his reply, if you will. God works my ipod?!?

Yesterday I finished reading Revelations. About Jesus coming to reign forever. The first line of Hosanna is "I see a King of Glory, coming on the clouds with fire". That's what I wanted. I wanted Him to come save me, right then and there. I didn't want to have to endure this earth any longer. I just wanted to be with Him and away from sin. The next song to play on my ipod was from my high school days: Stellar Kart, a song called Activate. I would usually skip this song but this time I didn't. It said "Life is easy when you're sitting in the shade, not to hot, not to cold... I feel you drawing me away from my complacency... Don't stop 'til everybody knows. This is the purpose of my life, this is the reason I'm alive."

So I have this to say. I think 2012 is going to be a hard year for me. I think God is challenging me to go beyond my comfort zone and share. I'm so super nervous. But, I mean... His son died for me. I owe Him this much, right? I never ever want to wake up again one day and think that Satan is winning, because in reality he will never win. Today in my read the bible in year I started Genesis. I saw where the sin all started. I saw how satan deceives and how people can turn against God because of it. But I know that that is just the beginning of a beautiful story.

New topic: I started the Insanity workout a week ago. That's challenging in itself, but I already feel loads stronger, hopefully I can continue and I won't give up.

I officially turned in my two weeks notice at Pawnee. It's so bittersweet. I cannot express the experience I've gained. Community Mental Health will always have a place in my heart even after leaving there. I don't know, job wise, where I'll be in 2-3 months, but I know where ever I'll be, I'll be there serving a greater purpose than myself.

-Until next time I have a tragic/awe-inspiring moment in my life