Emotions

Well, here I am again. Unfulfilling my commitment to blog.
However, I'm kind of emotional right now and and I have lots of feelings that need to be told.

1. I am moving. Far far far from home. I am scared. I fear my feelings of homesickness and the feeling of being alone. I have the best community here in Manhattan and my heart is breaking to leave them. I am trying to enjoy every second of my time here. Here at work, here at home with my parents and precious pup, here at Ichthus with my extremely loving body of Christ.

2. This week we had a work meeting and we were reminded of the death of an extremely loved doctor, that we all dealt with 2 months ago. My heart is still broken over this. I know we all miss him every day and for this to be vocalized confirmed this. It also reminded me of inexpressible pain that I felt the day following his death. I'm reminded in Revelations that when Jesus returns he will wipe away my tears and there will no longer be death or mourning. How freeing for my soul to know that there will be a day when my Lord and Savior will overcome all that is wrong in this world and Good will win.

3. Met with a sweet friend yesterday who has had a myriad of terrible things happen to her. My heart was so broken over this. I know the Lord will redeem this and He will make it good, but life is so hard. I pray for hope, faith, courage, relief. I pray that the she will find Him as a safe harbor for these scary struggles that she is feeling.

Unfortunately I have not had time to really reflect on these things until tonight at Ichthus. My heart broke and there were tears. Sweet, sweet friends offered kind prayers and wisdom for me. I'm so thankful for this community who keeps loving me. What a joy. The Lord continually reminds me to have faith, to have hope and trust in Him that He will defeat this.

Tomorrow I turn 24. I'm a little sad, a little happy. I can't wait to see where PA school takes me this year. I pray for boldness in this year. I pray to find security only in the Lord. I could not imagine what 23 would look like when I was 22, and I certainly have no idea what 24 will look like. I'm excited for more adventures. I'm excited to love more and to share the joy and kindness that the Lord has given me.

That's it for me.

Consider this hiatus OVER.

It's been almost 9 months since I wrote one word here.
I didn't finish my college series and I didn't write at all during my semester off. Maybe I was too busy with life? Maybe I didn't want to talk about what was going on? I don't know, but now I'm here.
I kind of want to start writing again because I want to keep track of things in my life (mostly what I got in my birchbox, haha!), what God is teaching me, and to celebrate if and when I finally get into grad school.

20 things that happened in the last 9 months.
1. Interview at Texas Tech- wait listed, and subsequently, not accepted
2. Interview at UMKC- wait listed
3. Upcoming interview at Marywood
4. Bother got engaged
5. Chas got engaged and pregnant
6. Went to New Jersey, Pennsylvania and New York for vacation
7. Went to Roundup River Ranch in Colorado to volunteer for a week
8. Mom had a thyroidectomy
9. Dad started school again
10. Kristin started medical school
11. Became apart of team iPhone
12. Began descipling someone in the real sense for the first time
13. Started traveling with Dr. Jones to Clay Center every other week and trained a new employee
14. K-state became big 12 champs in THREE sports (baseball, men's basketball, football) trifecta, baby.
15. The royals actually had a decent season
16. I significantly cut back my TV watching and picked up lots of books
17. Ran a race with my dad (beat him, what what!)
18. Single liiife.
19. Became a beer drinker
20. Colored my hair red for a short while (emma stone phase... now, I'm more into my anna kendrick phase)

phew, quick and brief update on my life to my 2 readers... and those readers probably knew all of that.

So my birchbox! So excited that I finally joined something similar to a magazine subscription that comes with real stuff!

I want to keep track of everything that I get and if I like it or not.
1. Radiant Skincare by benefit- I literally glow after I use this. It came with Triple Performing Facial Emulsion SPF 15 PA++, this is a oil-free, lightweight formula that hydrates, protects, and comforts the skin. Probably my favorite out of all the products. It also came with a total moisture facial cream that provides concentrated immediate and long term hydration for visibly radiant skin. It's a little thicker, than I would like to use for my skin, but it does work well. Lastly, It's potent! Eye cream. This smoothes fine lines and fades dark circles. I didn't really notice too much of a difference using this product, but it did make my eyes feel great
2. great coupon to Ann taylor, which in all honesty, I probably won't use.
3. Amika: Bomshell blowout spray. My hair loves this so much. I spray it on my damp hair, then blow dry my hair. I have great volume and my flat iron work holds much longer throughout the day.
4. JasmineSeven feet wipes- these would be great for after playing sand volleyball and not wanting to wash your feet... I just probably wouldn't use them
5. Sport Coola Classic sunscreen- I haven't used this yet, but it's organic and the TV tells me that anything with the organic label is good. haha.
6. Jouer Eye definer- this goes on smoothly and lovely. I really like this. I'll probably use it as my full time eye liner now!

The year I was a Freshman

I had promised several weeks ago that I would post a reflection of college. College got really busy the last couple of weeks and now I'm finished. I've walked across the stage, received my diploma holder, and then took my last finals (all 5 of them! wow.).

So here it goes. Today I give you freshman year.

The Chicago River

So I was off to Chicago. After a summer of good-byes and high expectations of the windy city I was finally there. In my little dorm room with a student athlete, there I was. My parents took me to Target to get some little things before they left and I broke down. I didn’t realize the loneliness I was going to feel the moment they left. They had literally been there for everything in my life. I thought I was ready to live hours away from home, on my own. After the initial shock of being on my own I eventually made some friends, my roommate was great, our suitemates were great. School was much more difficult than I imagined, but I survived. I came home for fall break and this is when I decided I couldn’t make Chicago my home, simply because it wasn’t my home. During this semester away, my suitemate and I would go to a great church in a great neighborhood in Chicago. We tried to get involved in student ministries, I just never felt like I met a group of people who I could connect with. I often regret that I didn’t stay longer, but then I look at the Wells Fargo student loan statement that they send me every year and decide it was probably a good idea to not go to a private school all four years of college. After this semester I realize God totally sent me to Chicago for his purpose. The amount I learned from him in these 14 weeks was incredible. He taught me what full trusting in him looked like. One day, being so broke and feeling like I couldn’t ask mom and dad for any more money, I happened to win a contest that I didn’t know I entered and won 100 dollars. This was just enough to get me through the rest of the semester, buying Christmas presents for my family too.  Even though I was making friends, I was so depressed at Loyola. I remember crying through my biology class one day, because I just wanted to be home.  At this point in my walk I wasn’t journaling, so I really can’t remember what I was saying to God, but I imagine it was like “Lord, PLEASE help me get through these next weeks without dying.” I was a dramatic little freshman. I managed to make it and return home for my next semester.

Some Friends

Sweet Puppy Violet

Returning home was so hard. I didn’t think it would be, but my close friends were gone. I was living with my parents, so it made it difficult to make friends. I almost regretted coming home and going to KSU. I thought KSU, being a state school, was going to be easy. No, it was actually much more difficult than I imagined. In February of my freshman year I learned some shocking news about my family and again I spent most of this semester crying out to God. I asked for healing, restoration, strengthening and all of that He gave and He gave fully. My faith shook due to a certain biology class that I was taking. My professor made fun of Christians daily. All of this craziness and difficulty had taken a toll and I had no idea what to do with myself. So I secluded myself, drowning myself in TV shows. Eventually one night, one of my friends invited me to a campus ministry that I had never heard of. There I saw another friend who invited me to a Freshman lifegroup. I was TERRIFIED to go. I was so shy and all these kids from Johnson County were freaking me out. But I went and I made myself keep going. It was here that I met Ms. Mary Beth Gromer, who would later be my roommate. This was also the time that we got Violet. Our sweet little Mini Schnauzer who loves to be loved. It’s crazy how full my heart feels when she cuddles with me. I’m a nut-case. 

Acadia National Park

So in the middle of the spring semester I found an opportunity on Facebook to go to Maine for the summer through Campus Crusade. I said to myself, “Anyway to get away from this madhouse and take a walk in one of the most beautiful places in America? I’m there.” So after talking to my parents and fundraising, I got on a plane to Bangor, Maine. It was gorgeous. The people that I met there, the vulnerability that we shared, the thoughts that I refused to encounter at home, made this experience incredibly unique. God taught me true forgiveness, which is something that I had never learned. God taught me that I am my own person and that sometimes it is okay to say No. God also taught me that I need to listen, that my relationship with him was quite one-sided at the time and that HE was also apart of the relationship too. These valuable lessons I took home with me, and my walk and relationship with the Lord was dramatically changed. I found a journal from that trip. I didn’t write much, I was still figuring that one out… I’m still figuring that one out. After reading through it I’m amazed at how I’ve grown, how my bouts of disbelief are no longer what they used to be. “It’s very humbling to stand in God’s creation… so then why is it so hard to listen and feel guided?” My simple thoughts have now become more complex than that. I see my trust in him as grown tremendously since then. My heart for him has grown tremendously since then. Just now I am seeing fruit.

My job wasn't too busy, so played
silly computer games mostly.

As the summer rolled on I knew that I could no longer be living on my parent’s money, I mean I was already living in their home. So I searched for a job. ALL summer long I searched for a job. At the beginning of August I was called in for an interview at Pawnee Mental Health Services.  Starting this job was difficult for me. It called me to be loving to those who were so different than me. Not only did the job call me to do that, but God called me to do that. Oh, what I learned from this job. I’ll try to share. I learned how to not be afraid of speaking to people on the phone. I learned that love has no bounds. I learned of the demons that people face and live with daily. I learned that sometimes all we need to do is look a person in the eye. It also taught me to be tough and have a little backbone, how easy it is to get manipulated. I could name so many more. This job touched me beyond what I ever thought it could. It was difficult to have people spill their hearts out to me over the phone because they felt no one else would listen. It was difficult for me to see the HELP line go off and realize that someone is legitimately thinking of ending their life in that moment. It was difficult for me to see the violence that people suffered and were willing to dispense if threatened. I worked here for two and a half years and my heart softened and hardened at an incredible rate. This job had a flexible work schedule, but it meant that I had to work Monday through Thursday evenings. This means that I almost always missed Ichthus and was unable to join many student activities. 

There will be more I promise. I know... I left you all with a huge cliff hanger! haha.

College

For my few readers I am preparing a reflection of college. I have been thinking about doing this for about 2 months. I began writing it on Thanksgiving and it's going to be good. I'm really excited for it, mostly because after reading through what I've wrote about Freshman year I noticed two things, one is that I've matured incredibly, two is that my relationship with the Lord is much stronger now than it was then. So get ready. I'm thinking I'll release installments, that way it's easier to read instead of 8 pages of my babbling.

Ok, happy Christmas season to you!

2016

Yesterday I told my dad "I hate America." Quite literally everything I voted for did not win. It was really discouraging. Do I really have a voice at all? Just because my voice didn't match the majority or the electoral college it doesn't really matter. I'm feeling a little discouraged at the executive level and at the local/state level. My city passed a 0.5% increase sales tax to improve roads and infrastructure among other things. 5 months from now I predict the citizens of Manhattan will be complaining about how roads that aren't that damaged are being repaired and we have to drive through construction.

I remember in 2008 after Obama won the first time I called my mother from the city of Chicago and I was literally crying for America. I told my mom 4 years from now there won't be any jobs and we will have made enemies with our allies. And, well, my predictions were correct. So I've decided to list my predictions for 2016.

• Gas- when Obama was elected we were paying less that 2 dollars a gallon for gas. Today we are pressing 4 dollars a gallon. In 4 years I believe we will be paying close to 8 dollars a gallon.
• Foreign policy- no two countries have ever settled the amount of debt that we owe to China peacefully. If we haven't already faced the threat of China's nuclear weapons, we will be sending military to China to prevent this.
• Health Care- Hopefully by this time I will have graduated from PA school. I will certainly have a job as PAs are a great and affordable way to provide healthcare for all. However, my patients will not be getting what they need or want in a timely manner. I will be filling out paperwork beyond paperwork and imagine being on the phone with machines for hours advocating for my patients.
• Jobs- While I have a job, I worry for the jobs of people like my brother Brian who work in manufacturing. Over the course of his 1st presidency a lot of blue collar jobs have been outsourced because it is not profitable to buy healthcare, provide income and goods for people in our own country.
• Taxes- While I'm not in a large tax bracket right now, I see the effects of taxes on people like my parents, both U.S. army veterans. They are in no means "rich" in the american standard. However, every year they pay a little more of their hard earned money to the government because every year more social programs are added and more debt is created. What if Americans didn't have to pay taxes? What if we were able to use our money and support our own socially supported foundations that we believed in? Is that even a possible mission for Americans, who are mostly greedy and enjoy their savings accounts too much?

While I, in all honesty, don't know much about politics I'm aware enough to know that no ONE man will ever fix this country. I know that one election will not determine the fate of the world. If I had to complain about one thing, it would be that I didn't vote in the primaries for my local government. I knew so much about the presidential candidates, who very rarely make changes that effect me directly, and I didn't know a lot about my own local/state candidates who, everyday, are making decisions that effect me directly.

One thing that Mitt Romney talked about that if he was made president he would end the pornography industry. Can I just tell you how pleased that made me? Pornography destroys families, makes women into objects of sex to only fulfill a twisted desire. It contributes to sex-trafficking, which is, disgustingly, the 3rd largest industry in the world. Lives are broken and lost due to pornography and sex-trafficking and this presidential candidate promised to break into that and create legislation to conquer that brokenness. He made it through his presidential campaign without caffeine, that alone should have won him america's heart. 

So my reflection on the election (haha):

Why am I shocked that American/Kansas/Manhattan didn't feel exactly the way I did? We're all different people with usually respectable opinions. I just had hoped for a new start for my country, one where my president was less concerned about his groove-thing on the Ellen Show or Oprah and more concerned about the family model, our international allies and the vitality of American people.

Realness

I just want to take a moment to inhale the sweetness of our Lord. I want others who don't believe to understand how hard it is to believe sometimes. I battle everyday with demons and sin and immorality. However, I'm not battling alone. I have a partner, a leader, someone who gives me strength, someone who demands respect, someone who comforts me, gives me rests and advocates for me. My Lord is more of a fighter than I will ever be.

Reading today's "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers I get it. I get that faith is hard and that the exact point of faith. Faith is ever struggling to produce more faith.
"Faith always works in a personal way, because the purpose of God is to see that perfect faith is made real in His children...The life of faith says, "Lord, You have said it, it appears to be irrational, but I'm going to step out boldly, trusting in Your word."... Turning intellectual faith into personal possession is ALWAYS a fight, not just sometimes... the nature of faith is to make the object of our faith very real to us."

I have to say God is very real to me. I cannot even begin to describe the blessings that He gives to me everyday. This just makes me want to serve him more. I think of this as loving my parents. I love them, and by serving them, and respecting them I show them my love. I often struggle with this, as does anyone who is turning 23 in a couple days and is still living with their parents would. My temper flares easily among the people I love, and I hate it. I hate not giving them everything that is good in me. I hate that I cannot fully and continually show the love that I feel for them. So for God. I just I want to give him all of me. He understands my good and bad, but I hope to follow him more and truly and fully offer him all of me so that each day I will be made more in his likeness.

In two days I officially turn 23. Every birthday I look back at the years that have followed and see all the things that I have not done. It really makes my birthday almost something that I dread, because it makes my inadequacies and unsuccessfulness quite real. I know that I'm still young and even though my head is spotted with grey hairs I still have plenty of life to live. I just desire to have a birthday that I can look at the life that I've lived so far and be fulfilled.

salt of the earth, light of the world

I have found most recently that my heart is often in spiritual bliss. That sweet revelations are whispered into my ears. That His wisdom and knowledge meet my ignorance and selfishness. I have found that my soul is so quickly filled with joy and then so suddenly saddened by my physical reality. It's as if I'm in a trance, like I'm living in some sort of fantasy where sin and foolishness do not exist. And then it's as if the hypnotist snaps his fingers and says "open your eyes" that I'm reminded of this imperfect world, the inconsistencies, and the dirtiness. Salt of the earth, light of the world, salt of the earth, light of the world, salt of the earth, light of the world is all I can tell myself to keep me from being held hostage in this overwhelming dangerous darkness.